Your Jokes

A couple of my favourites. Apologies to any Aussies.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth."

There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the buggers that I'm putting next to them.

I call them 'Australians!'

************************

Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

The Aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!! So with the Aliens high-technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen....
KA-MATE KA-MATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA.......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain????. The Aliens watched on.
KA-MATE KA-MATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens then figured these kiwis must be very clever people even with half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with no knowledge what so ever! So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwis brain. Now surely he won't know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now?

So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing,
WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA..........

*************************

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

***************

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K, thank you, said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000 per call sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to NEW ZEALAND to see if New Zealanders had the same phone. He arrived in New Zealand, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 40 cents per call. The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same Golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered, You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call