The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

by Peregrine on Sat May 22, 2010 8:23 am

Since I'm only allowed one thread, I'll just dump everything I write in here and use my comments thread as an index for organization.

Please only comment in THIS thread (click).

by Peregrine on Sat May 22, 2010 8:27 am

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Seven people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is projecting an upside down graph onto the wall. A man with wavy red hair is pointing a pointing stick at the graph and talking.

Vamparagon: So as we can see here, profits are way down.
Ragegamer: Actually Vamp, I think the graph is the wrong way around.
Vamparagon: Oh, sorry, you're right.

Vamparagon bends over and fiddles with his laptop's touchpad, and is finally able to rotate the graph on the computer screen so that it is sideways.

Vamparagon: As I was saying, profits are way sideways.
Peregrine: I'd question this if it didn't seem so plausible.
Chamberino: Maybe we could try rotating the graph some more until we get better results.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

It is in that moment that a man bursts through the doors opposite the head of the table and begins screaming, startling the two guards that were posted there.

Mrsebi: HEY GUYS SORRY I'M LATE I WAS TALKING TO MY ImAgInArY fRiEnDs!

Vamparagon, who was not one to tolerate such shenanigans, gestured to the guard to the left of the new arrival.

Vamparagon: Flaw.
Flaw of Insanity Yes sir.

Flaw of Insanity grabs Mrsebi by the collar and drags him out the door, no doubt headed for the castle dungeons.

Vamparagon: As I was saying, to rectify the lack of horizontal profits, I suggest that we hold a bake sale.
Sticky: Seconded.
Erik: Thirded.
Ragegamer: Fourthed.
Peregrine: Objection. None of us can bake.
Vamparagon: I can't bake? Excuse me Pere? EXCUSE M-

The screen suddenly flickers and the image of the graph is replaced by the head of this story's primary antagonist.

??? Hello there gentlemen! All your base are belong to me. You don't know who I am, but know tha-
Vamparagon: Oh hey Mathia. Long time no see.
Mathia: Shut up Vamp. What I was saying was that-
Vamparagon: -E PERE?
Peregrine: You trying to make something out of this, Vamp?
Vamparagon: Oh yeah, you're real tough. But I like to let my moves do the talking.
Peregrine: In that case you should have no trouble with a show down.
Mathia: Hey! Pay attention to me!
Vamparagon: That does it Pere. You, me.
Peregrine: Right here, right now.
Vamp & Pere: DANCE OFF.
Chamberino: PLACE YOUR BETS HERE, PEOPLE.
Ragegamer: Five points on Vamp.
Sticky: Ten points on Vamp.
Erik: Seven points on Pere.
Cial: Fifteen points on Pere.
Ryzaa: Twenty points on Vamp.
Crystal Lion: Five points on Pere.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

Vamparagon does the caramelldansen. Peregrine break dances.

Ryzaa: Hold on, who's judging?
Chamberino: I'll just hold onto all these bets for you guys until we figure out who was judging.
Crystal Lion: Neither of them were really that good.
Mathia: HELLO?
Vamparagon: Look, what do you want? Can't you see we're in the middle of important bake sale planning?
Mathia: I'll be quick.
Vamparagon: You've got sixty seconds.
Mathia: I have injected TR's water supply with liquid madness!
Crystal Lion: That sure doesn't sound like a last minute plot device.
Mathia: Silence! Because of the liquid madness, everyone who drank water today is going to go insane. You've already seen what happened to Mrsebi!
Vamparagon: Wait, what happened to Mrsebi?
Ryzaa: Did anyone notice anything out of the ordinary with Mrsebi today?
Chamberino: Nothing more than I usually do.
Peregrine Can't say I did.
Vamparagon: Well, looks like Mathia lied to us.
Mathia: Hey, shut up okay? As I was saying, another one of you in this room has already gone insane. The only way to cure your friends is to-

The screen suddenly returns to the image of the sideways graph.

Vamparagon: Time's up.
Peregrine: Did you guys hear what he said? Any one of us could be the killer.
Ragegamer: Pere's got a point, what do we do about the other insane person?
Vamparagon: Finding the other insane person will be easy. Everyone pipe down for a second.

Everyone is silent as Vamparagon looks over them. His unflinching, scrutinizing gaze sends shudders down more than one of their spines. Beads of sweat begin to form on everyone's heads. Who would be the unlucky soul to receive Vamparagon's judgement? They all pray that only the guilty among them would be the one to suffer the wrath of Vamparagon, emperor of TR.

Suddenly, Xusha resumes singing happy birthday in Russian.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Vamparagon: It's Cial.
Cial: WHAT.
Ryzaa: I'll take him to the dungeon with Mrsebi.

A protesting Cial is dragged from the room by the second guard, Ryzaa.

Cial: I DIDN'T EVEN GET ANY LINEEEEEES.

The doors slam shut behind him.

Vamparagon: So, about that bake sale.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: I'm thinking we should have some cookies.
Vamparagon: I can see that happening.

The room is filled with the red glow and blaring of TR Castle's alarm. There is a loud slamming in the part of the room opposite Vamparagon's projection. Everyone spins around to view the source of the commotion and discover to their horror that the blast doors had been sealed, trapping everyone in the conference room inside. Vamparagon's graph once again changes to display Mathia's head instead of TR's third quarter earnings.

Mathia: HA HA HA. Now you will all go insane and kill each othe-

The projection vanishes entirely as Vamparagon pulls the plug on the LCD Projector.

Vamparagon: Escape plans, people.
Chamberino: Usually we build battering rams out of those frogzard marshmallow treats you won a lifetime supply of.
Vamparagon: Do we have any marshmallow frogzards on hand?
Erik: Nope.
Vamparagon: Is anyone here made of marshmallow frogzards?
Crystal Lion: Sticky is.
Sticky: Huh? No I'm-

A team comprised of Chamberino, Erik, Crystal Lion and Ragegamer lift Sticky up and point him head first towards the blast door.

Peregrine: That's funny. I thought Sticky was made of tape and scotch.
Sticky: SOMEONE HELP ME.
Vamparagon: On three now. One, two, three!

The team rushes towards the door as fast as they can. There is a sickening crunch as Sticky's head connects with the blast door at full force. His eyes roll back into his sockets and his body because very limp.

Erik: It didn't work.
Crystal Lion: Also, I think we're going to need a new Sticky in here.
Ragegamer: Alright, nobody panic. We can get out of this one. We've been in worse situations before, right?
Vamparagon: I need to pee.

There is a stunned silence among all those gathered.

Ragegamer: Okay never mind, we're in quite a pickle.
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, do you mind if I use your chair?
Peregrine: VAMPARAGON.
Vamparagon: Thanks.

*later*

Vamparagon: Okay, I'm done.
Chamberino: Did you wash your hands afterwards?
Vamparagon: No?
Erik: People, we need to get Vamp to a bathroom before he gets his germs on us.
Ragegamer: First thing's first, we need to get a janitor in here.

Ragegamer digs through his pocket and produces a cell phone. He dials a number and then holds the cell phone to his ear in preparation to speak with the person on the other end.

???: Hello?
Ragegamer: Hey Shadow.
Shadow: Oh hey Rage. What's up?
Ragegamer: We're going to need a janitor in conference room #1. We're sealed inside and Vamp had to go. One thing led to another.
Shadow: This is like the third time this week I've heard this story.
Ragegamer: Well, we do kind of pay you to do this sort of work.
Shadow: How dare you expect me to do the job for which I am paid. Well, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm taking a stand. Not for me but for my-

Ragegamer hangs up.

Ragegamer: Okay, janitor's not coming.
Crystal Lion: Now what do we do?
Peregrine: I have an idea. Let's hook Vamp up to a pulley and have it drag him from one end of the conference room to the other repeatedly.
Chamberino: Just what will that accomplish?
Peregrine: Nothing whatsoever.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE THE WORLD.

The construction of the pulley is a huge success. Ragegamer and Chamberino man opposite ends of the pulley, pulling Vamparagon to and fro between them. Vamparagon, suspended from the ceiling by a pulley being pulled from one end of the room to another, is having the time of his life.

Vamparagon: Hey guys, I can see my house from there.

Then suddenly, someone bursts through the blast door.

Ragegamer: We're saved!

Nagi looked around with an insane glint in her eye. Her arms were filled with amulets of all shapes and sizes.

Nagi: Amulets!
Chamberino: I don't think we're saved, guys.

Faster than anyone can blink, Nagi darts across the room, snatches the amulet that was around Xusha's neck, and bolts out the exit. Everyone stands around with a stunned look on their face. All except for Vamparagon, who was still suspended in midair. If Xusha noticed or regretted the loss, she did not show it, but instead continued to sing happy birthday in Russian.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO GET VAMP TO A BATHROOM TO WASH HIS HANDS.

Everyone snaps out of it. Erik, Chamberino, Crystal Lion, Peregrine and Ragegamer lift Vamparagon over their heads, being extremely careful his hands don't touch them, and charge out the door. Xusha follows behind them, continuing her song. Three minutes later, the party arrives at the entrance to the washroom.

Vamparagon: WAIT! STOP!

Everyone stops immediately. Stops walking, that is. Xusha continues to sing.

Vamparagon: This is the men's washroom.
Ragegamer: What's your point?
Vamparagon: The women's washroom has flowers in it. I want flowers.
Chamberino: But the women's washroom is a floor below here.
Vamparagon: FLOWERS.
Chamberino: FINE.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT TEN SECONDS TO GET TO THE FLOOR BELOW THIS ONE.

*nine seconds later*

Erik: Whew, made it.
Vamparagon: Thanks, guys. I'll take things from here.

Vamparagon strolls into the washroom, confident in his hand washing ability.

Ragegamer: Truly, he was the greatest of all the emperors.

It was in that moment Chamberino snapped.

Chamberino: STOP DROP AND ROLL.

Chamberino then immediately stopped, immediately dropped, and then began to roll down the hallway.

Erik: There goes a man with a dream.
Peregrine: I'll go get him.

Peregrine breaks off from the rest of the group and starts jogging after Chamberino.

Vamparagon: HELP.
Ragegamer: Looks like Vamp didn't manage to figure out how to wash his hands.
Crystal Lion: Maybe he slipped or something. I better go check on him.

Crystal Lion takes a deep breath to ready herself and then goes to save Vamparagon from himself.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: That's far enough, Chamb.
Chamberino: Ehehehehehehehe.

Chamberino rolls through a door.

Peregrine: Darn it, he rolled through a door.

Peregrine dashes to the door, opens it, and steps into the room. The site that greets him is one nightmares are made of. Standing over the now very still Chamberino is a monster. It is entirely covered in white fur. Its hands and feet are much darker shades of white, and they are both decorated with long jagged claws. The creature stands hunched over, its deadly barbed hands hanging limply in front of it. The creature's long snout takes a whiff of the air, and its head jerks upwards to gaze at Peregrine. Two black, empty eyes on each side of the snout regard him emotionlessly. Its ears hang limp at its sides as well, long, furry ears that stretch to its snout. It grins, its mouth revealing a row of razor sharp teeth.

Peregrine: 'sup Toy.
wwwtoy: Hey Pere. What's the deal with all the weird people around here?
Peregrine I dunno man. Mathia put liquid insanity or something lame like that into our water supply.
wwwtoy: Can the process by reversed?
Peregrine: Vamp kinda cut Mathia off before he told us that.
wwwtoy: So where is Vamp anyhow?
Peregrine: The ladies room.
wwwtoy: That figures. Looks like the only thing left to do is for the two of us to take some names.
Peregrine: Let's roll.

*meanwhile*

Crystal Lion: Alright Vamp, what happened?

Vamparagon is lying on the ground, tied up in paper towel in much the same manner as a mummy is tied up in bandages. Only his head remains uncovered.

Vamparagon: The paper towel dispenser tried to kill me. I think it might be in league with Mathia.

Crystal Lion, instead of untying Vamparagon, instead fashions a sled out of paper towel and begins to drag him behind her out the washroom.

Crystal Lion: Alright guys, I'm back.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: So, what now?
Ragegamer: Now, we get revenge on Mathia for driving Cial and Chamberino insane. Not to mention nearly killing Sticky.
Vamparagon: Good thing Sticky was made out of marshmallow frogzards or Mathia might have gotten away with his nefarious scheme.
Erik: Alright everyone, we're going to have to find Mathia's evil lair.
Ragegamer: Then we may as well start with The Gentlemen of Lore Club that he owns.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE THE WORLD.

The group makes their way to the landing pad on top of the TR Castle via the nearby elevator. Vamparagon is dragged there by Crystal Lion using the sled. When they arrive, Dake is already up there barbecuing.

Dake: MORE FIRE ON THE BURNEEER.
Ragegamer: Looks like Dake's infected.
Vamparagon: Alright, now we just need to wait for the helicopter and hope Dake doesn't try to kill us all.

The group stands around waiting for ten minutes.

Vamparagon: If only we actually had a helicopter.

Suddenly, a gas balloon descends from the sky.

Erik: It's a bird!
Crystal Lion! It's a plane!
Vamparagon: It's Peregrine and Toy traveling in style.

The gas balloon touches down on the landing pad. Surely enough, Peregrine and Toy can be seen inside.

Peregrine: COME MY FRIENDS, BALDUR'S GATE AWAITS US.

The group boards the gas balloon and takes off. They begin to sail over the lake that surrounds TR Castle. Ragegamer takes a step backwards and trips over Vamp's limp and tied up form, causing him to stumble over the edge.

Ragegamer: VAAAAAAAAAAAMP.
Crystal Lion: MAN OVERBOARD.
Toy: GUYS, QUICK, WE'VE GOT TO GET MORE SAND BAGS UP.
Vamparagon: No no no no, you need to throw the sandbags off the balloon to go down.
Peregrine: Are you sure?
Vamparagon: Positive.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE RAGE.

The group throws all of their sandbags off the gas balloon as quickly as they can. To their horror, the balloon begins to ascend rapidly instead of descending.

Vamparagon: Just kidding guys.
Everyone but Vamp & Xusha: VAMPARAGON.

There is a loud splash from below as Rage hits the lake. Following which, a moment of silence takes place, in which the only soul that can be heard is Xusha singing.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

The ascension of the balloon is halted by nothing. They continue to rise until they reach outer space, and eventually land on the moon.

Vamparagon: Hey guys, I can see my house from here.
Erik: Looks like we're on the moon.
wwwtoy: Yeah, funny how that works.

To the party's surprise, they are not the only residents of the moon. There is another man sitting down at a computer station, typing things into his monitor. The group edges around him to get a better look, and then are shocked to realize who it is.

Crystal Lion: Mathia? What are you doing here?
Mathia: How the heck did you guys find my evil lair?
Peregrine: It was pretty obvious.
Erik: Well, this is all very convenient.

*meanwhile*

Ragegamer drifts through the lake aimlessly until he spots an iceberg in the distance, and paddles towards it. He scales the icy cliff, and is surprised at who he finds drinking lemonade underneath an umbrella.

Ragegamer: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Alright, let's get this over with. Someone untie me.

It takes the combined efforts of everyone assembled to get Vamparagon unwrapped.

Vamparagon: Alright, it's show time.

*cue boss fight music*

Vamparagon: GO, MAGIKARP!
Mathia: That's how it's going to be, huh? Show him what a real magikarp can do, magikarp!
Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, USE SPLASH ATTACK.
Mathia: MAGIKARP, COUNTER ATTACK WITH A SPLASH ATTACK.

The two magikarps flounder around, unable to do splash attack as a result of a lack of water.

Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, GIVE HIM THE OLD SPLASH ATTACK.
Mathia: SHOW HIM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF MAGIKARP. USE SPLASH ATTACK.
Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, AVENGE RAGE'S DEATH WITH A SPLASH ATTACK.
Crystal Lion: How long do you guys think they're going to go on like this?
Erik: I'm not sure, but I'd say we have enough time to pick up some postcards while we're on the moon.
Peregrine: Forget postcards, let's find some cheese to bring back.

Crystal, Erik, Peregrine and Toy leave to go and find some cheese.

*many splash attacks later*

wwwtoy: Oh man you guys, get a load of this piece of cheese.

Toy slices off a small piece of cheese. In his greed and foolishness, Toy somehow manages to cause the moon to become unbalanced. It begins to fall out of orbit down to Earth.

Erik: Way to go, Toy.
wwwtoy: It's not my fault things don't make sense.
Erik: Then whose fault is it?
wwwtoy: Peregrine's.
Erik: Way to go, Peregrine.
wwwtoy: We're all going to die because of you.
Crystal Lion: You're a jerk.
Peregrine: Sorry guys. ):

The moon falls to the Earth, right on top of TR Castle.

The explosion is deafening.

TR GOES DOWN, AND TAKES THE MOON WITH THEM
"Everyone likely to die as a result," officials say.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has come to what was literally a crashing end last Thursday, as the moon impacted with their headquarters, killing nearly everyone in the process.

"It was like dropping an egg on the floor," says farmer Bill Williams. "Only it was more like dropping a moon on a castle."

Rescue officials were on the scene almost immediately after the calamity, but were only able to pull four survivors from the wreckage, two of whom were immediately hospitalized with severe frostbite injuries from having escaped on an iceberg, and one of whom is currently in a mental institute. Fortunately, one of the survivors was available for comment.

"Dude, it was all like WHOOOOA," says Cial, the executive manager and creator of TR's brand of floss named "TRFloss". "If Vamp hadn't thrown me in jail, I wouldn't be alive right now. That's a pretty scary thought."

When asked if he had any plans for the future now that TR was gone, Cial had this to say to reporters:

"I survived because I was in the dungeons, which were far enough below ground to avoid destruction," explains Cial. "The only other things down there were Mrsebi and a lifetime supply of Marshmallow Frogzards."

"Those Marshmallow Frogzards should sell for enough so that I can retire quietly and live out my life in peace until everyone dies due to the fact that the moon was destroyed."

"The best techniques are passed on by the survivors."

The end.

by Peregrine on Tue May 25, 2010 2:58 am

EVERYTHING PUT BACK TOGETHER IN TIME FOR NEXT ISSUE
Yes, even the moon.

Believing that they "owed the planet one", the surviving TR members went to work on piecing their castle as well as all of their deceased coworkers back together using modern science. They completed the final worker last Thursday.

Afterwards, TR reconstructed the moon and sent it back up into orbit around the Earth.

"It was really quite simple," says Sticky, the director of taping things together. "Putting pieces of the moon back together wasn't the real problem. The real problem was trying to figure out where all the little parts went."

"Luckily, we had an instruction manual from a LEGO version of the moon."

"Some parts were eaten before the incident," elaborates Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories. "It was delicious, by the way."

"Anyway, we were able to recover most of the eaten pieces without much trouble."

When asked how the eaten pieces were recovered, Peregrine declined to comment.

-Page 2-

EMBEZZLED MARSHMALLOWS
Guy goes to jail over marshmallows.

After the destruction of TR Castle, the executive manager and creator of TR's brand of floss named "TRFloss" had the gumption to steal the lifetime supply of marshmallow's that were stored in the TR Castle dungeons.

After a court hearing last Thursday, he has been sentenced to one story in jail.

"Oh come on," says Cial, the criminal scum in question. "I was the only person who was completely healthy after the events of the last story. I deserve some lines."

"I was outraged to learn of Cial's actions," says Vamparagon, emperor of TR. "That was MY lifetime supply of marshmallow frogzards."

"Now, if it had been Peregrine's, that would have been fine by me."

When asked if Cial would ever get any lines, Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories had this to say to reporters:

"Nope."

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently turned off. The newest member of TR's board of directors is giving a speech to the five people assembled around the table.

Charon: I think square coat hangers would be beneficial to the company because you could hang socks on them.
Peregrine: Objection. Socks are not square.
Charon: They are if you cut them into squares.

A moment of silence is shared between the six people.

Chamberino: Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Ragegamer: Begin mass production of your new product immediately.

It was in this moment that a man with wavy red hair burst through the doors opposite Charon and into the room.

Vamparagon: Team, I've got good news and bad news.
Sticky: Good news first.
Vamparagon: The good news is that I traded my magikarp for a fabulous leafeon, so I'll be ready for the next time Mathia tries to ruin us.

There is a round of scattered applause.

Vamparagon: The bad news is that Xusha was diagnosed with a terminal disease.

There is a moment of silence.

Crystal Lion: Which terminal disease?
Vamparagon: Being Russian.
Peregrine: Dear God.
Ragegamer: How long did they say she has?
Vamparagon: They gave her an estimate of fifty six years.

Another man bursts through the door. This one is holding a tray of brownies.

Erik: Hey guys, I made these for the bake sal-
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, I bet I can eat more brownies than you can.
Peregrine: YOU'RE ON.

Vamparagon and Peregrine dash over to the tray and begin stuffing their faces with Erik's bake sale goods.

Vamp & Pere: OM NOM NOM NOM.

Before anyone can blink, the brownies are gone.

Erik: MY BROWNIES.
Vamparagon: I won.
Peregrine: Did not.
Vamparagon: Did so.
Peregrine: Did not.
Vamparagon: Did so.
???: AND SO AS I PAINT-

The ceiling to the conference room slides back. Paint brushes begin to fall to the floor. One hits Sticky in the head.

Sticky: Hey, what gives?
???: -UNLIMITED BRUSH WORKS!

The room begins to rapidly fill with paint brushes. Those assembled have to climb on top of the rapidly growing piles of brushes in order to not be buried alive. Vamparagon digs through his pocket for his blackberry, finds it, and calls security.

Vamparagon: Ry, you there? We've got a situation in conference room #1.
Ryzaa: What's the matter, Vamp?
Vamparagon: We're under attack.
Ryzaa: Chaos?
Vamparagon: No.
Ryzaa: Mathia?
Vamparagon: No.
Ryzaa: Paper towel?
Vamparagon: Worse.
Ryzaa: Okay, I give up. What is it?
Vamparagon: Paint brushes.
Ryzaa: ...Paint brushes?
Vamparagon: Just get a rescue team together.
Ryzaa: Fine, but if I get down there and you're really getting beaten up by paint brushes I'm going to take a picture and post it on twitter.
Vamparagon: On second thought, we don't need you.
Ryzaa: Fine.
Vamparagon: Good.
Ryzaa: I'm glad.

Vamparagon hangs up.

Peregrine: I take it security isn't going to save us.
Vamparagon: Security? Forget about security. I have something even better.

Vamparagon swims through the paint brushes to the Macintosh computer that sits at the head of the conference room table and pushes some buttons.

Sticky: Watch out Vamp, you might void the warranty.
Vamparagon: Everyone might want to hang on to something.

The ceiling to the conference room closes once again, and the floor surrounding the table opens up instead, sending the paint brushes cascading down. Most people are able to grab onto their chairs. Charon grabs onto Vamparagon, and Erik grabs onto the door. Only Peregrine falls down into the depth with the paint brushes.

The floor closes.

Vamparagon: Oh man, I'm having a great day today. Tell you guys what. Lunch. My treat.
Everyone Else: Awww yeah.

Vamparagon's secretary enters through the doors.

Sepulchure00: You can't do that Mr. Paragon sir. You have an important meeting with Peregrine in five minutes.
Vamparagon: No, I'm going out to lunch in five minutes.
Sepulchure00: But Mr. Paragon sir, with all due respect that is highly improper conduct.
Vamparagon: So is the fact that Peregrine didn't show up for the meeting.
Sepulchure00: How do you know that for sure?
Vamparagon: Because, Sepulchure. I just threw him into the sewers.

*meanwhile*

The paint brushes and Peregrine land on a stone walkway. Peregrine is immediately hit with a revolting stench and begins to gag. Peregrine looks to the right and discovers there is a river of sewage in that direction, and that the trap door had led to the very bottom of TR Castle.

Peregrine: You know what I don't get? Why sewers smell so bad in Lore when no one ever has to go to the bathroom.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Anyway, I'm out to lunch. The rest of you make yourselves busy and try to figure out who just tried to bury us alive in paint brushes.
Crystal Lion: I thought you were taking us out to lunch as well?
Vamparagon: Oh yeah, I lied about that by the way. I'm only taking Sticky out to lunch.
Sticky: Awww yeah.
Vamparagon: That was also a lie by the way. I'm only taking my leafeon out to lunch.
The Poké Ball in Vamp's pocket: Awww yeah.

Vamparagon strolls down to the waterfront and has a relaxing walk along the pier. During his walk, he encounters a woman working on a portrait. Vamparagon, the aspiring artist he is, decides to show the woman how it's done.

Vamparagon: Stand back, let me show you how it's done.

Vamparagon pushes past the woman, takes down her portrait, puts up a fresh canvas, and begins to paint. Eventually, he steps aside to let the woman see his handiwork.

Woman: Terrible.

Vamparagon turns around to regard the woman. To his horror he discovers it to be Xusha.

Vamparagon: Xusha? What are you doing here?
Xusha: Painting.
Vamparagon: I thought you had a terminal disease?
Xusha: No?
Vamparagon: Really? Aren't you Russian?
Xusha: ...Was that supposed to be funny?
Vamparagon: I dunno. All I know is that-

Vamparagon takes on a dramatic pose.

Vamparagon: I'm thinking Arby's!

Vamparagon begins to stroll towards Arby's for lunch. Xusha's eyes narrow deviously. She quickly collects her art supplies and heads in the direction of TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: Man, these sewers sure are extensive. Good thing I found this alligator gondolier to take me out in his gondola.
Alligator Gondolier: I agree.

A section of the sewer that is entirely a stone floor comes into view. Thinking it to be the end of the sewers, Peregrine decides to tell the gondolier he's getting off.

Peregrine: Alright, this is my stop. Thanks for the help.
Alligator Gondolier: Hold it buddy, where's my money?
Peregrine: Tell you what, triple whatever I owe you and send the bill to Vamparagon.
Alligator Gondolier: Pleasure doing business with you.
Peregrine: Have a good one, man.
Alligator Gondolier: You too.

The Alligator Gondolier paddles away. Peregrine sees an overweight man and walks towards him.

Peregrine: Hey, can you give me some directions?
???: Hey, I'm the sewage cleanup guy. Can you find me some sewer crystals? I need them for-
Peregrine: Look pal, I don't have time for a ratchet and clank reference. I just want to know how to get out of here.
Sewage Cleanup Guy: Take the elevator.

The sewage clean up guy points to an elevator.

Peregrine: kthx

Peregrine clicks the up button on the elevator. He has to wait a good five minutes before the elevator arrives. Finally, it does. Peregrine enters and looks at the control panel. He is horrified to discover there are hundreds of buttons.

Peregrine: You'd think working here would have given me a better understanding of which floors are which.

Peregrine scans the button for his lucky numbers.

Peregrine: Let's see here... один... два... три... Argh, who installed this elevator.

*meanwhile*

Xusha is on a cliff overlooking TR Castle. She is smiling as she watches her army of painted soldiers assail the castle walls.

*close up of Xusha's face, just in case no one got this joke*

*meanwhile, Peregrine has devised an ingenious solution to his quandary*

Peregrine: I'mma just click all the buttons.

*later*

Peregrine ascends the first ten floors of TR Castle. On each floor, various people have been at work on various projects, none which were related to each other in any way. There was soap being made, boats being constructed, space marines being trained and tape measurers being measured by other tape measurers.

Peregrine: It makes you wonder what we even do around here.

The elevator doors open up and Mrsebi steps inside. Peregrine immediately tries to make a dash for it, but the elevator doors close abruptly.

Mrsebi: I'M SO HAPPY.
Peregrine: Oh boy.

Peregrine lunges for the emergency phone and dials.

Peregrine: Shadow? You there bro?
Shadow: Pere, I already told you I'm on strike.
Peregrine: This is an emergency.
Shadow: I bet it's not.

Peregrine holds the phone towards Mrsebi.

Mrsebi: HAPPY GO LUCKY ME.

Shadow: Pere? PERE?

Shadow is shouting at this point.

Shadow: HANG ON BUDDY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

There is a click on the other end of the line as Shadow hangs up. When the elevator arrives at the next floor, Shadow barges into the elevator waving a broomstick at Mrsebi.

Shadow: BACK, FELL BEAST.
Mrsebi: LIVING IN THE SUNLIGHT.

Mrsebi grabs Shadow's broomstick and pulls him into the elevator. Shadow drops the broomstick and it hits the floor. The door shuts behind him.

Peregrine: Some help you were.

Shadow begins banging on the walls.

Shadow: SOOOOOOMEOOONE HEEEEEEELP.
Mrsebi: LOVING IN THE MOONLIGHT.

One floor later, the elevator once again opens up. A security officer steps in and holds up his hand in a gesture to Mrsebi to stay where he is.

Peregrine: It's Weena!
Shadow: We're saved!
Weena: Alright Sebi, easy does it now. Just stay back, and I won’t have to use deadly force.

Weena draws his gun and takes a step forward to emphasize his point, but trips over Shadow's dropped broomstick, falling on his face. The elevator door shuts again. The gun goes off and a panel in the elevator ends up with a bullet hole through it.

Weena: Uh-oh.

Shadow groans.

Peregrine: Anything important behind that panel?
Shadow: The door controls.

There is a moment of silence between the three.

Mrsebi: HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.
Pere, Shadow & Weena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP USSSSSS.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa runs down to the entrance hall where a fire fight is raging. He ducks down behind the railing of the balcony he's on to avoid some gun fire and finds Charon lying on the ground.

Ryzaa: Char? Speak to me.

Charon replies weakly.

Charon: Xusha... Painted an army...

Ryzaa looks up to survey the situation below him. Soldiers made of paint are battling with TR security forces.

Flaw of Insanity: WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME SERIOUS FIRE POWER DOWN HERE.

It was in this moment that a large portion of the wall below Ryzaa is blown apart by a ballista bolt. He can't see anything, but he can hear Dake's voice from the hole.

Dake: DID SOMEBODY SAY SERIOUS FIRE POWER?
Flaw of Insanity: AWWW YEAH.

Suddenly, a horrified expression crosses Ryzaa's face.

Charon: It's not... That bad...
Ryzaa: I don't care about this. I just realized I left my bacon on the burner when I went down here to see what all the fuss was about.

Ryzaa begins running as fast as he can to the kitchen, leaving Charon and the battle behind.

*later*

Ryzaa bursts through the kitchen, rushes over to the stove, takes one look at his bacon and screams at the sky in despair.

Ryzaa: I WAS TOO LATE.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon is standing at the counter at Arby's. The cashier has just asked him a question.

Vamparagon: Why yes actually, I would like some extra bacon on my burger.
Cashier: Sir, I was asking if you were paying with cash or credit.
Vamparagon: For here.
Cashier: No sir, cash or credit.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa rushes into the deep freezer. His hope is that if heating up bacon burns it, cooling it down will unburn it. However, the deep freezer is already in use by someone. Someone sitting under an umbrella drinking lemonade.

Ryzaa: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: The usual.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon is seated at a table eating a burger. His leafeon is opposite him and is enjoying a salad.

Vamparagon: That extra bacon was a good call.

Suddenly, Vamparagon's phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and answers it.

Vamparagon: Vamparagon speaking.
Sepulchure00: Vamp! TR Castle was just taken over by Xusha. We need you down here.
Vamparagon: Alright, lemme finish my burger.
Sepulchure00: This is more impor-

Vamparagon hangs up and resumes eating.

*one burger and one salad later*

Vamparagon: You know, I'm feeling kinda thirsty. I think I'll get something to drink before I go.

*one medium pepsi later*

Vamparagon: Alright, NOW it's time to go.

Vamparagon walks down to TR Castle. To his dismay, he finds hundreds of staff loitering about in a large encampment.

Vamparagon: Hey! I never gave you slackers permission to slack off!

Ryzaa wanders over to him.

Ryzaa: Vamp, chill. We were kicked out of the castle by Xusha, who has taken over.
Vamparagon: That figures. Is everyone accounted for?
Ryzaa: No, actually. Sebi, Rage, Pere, Sticky, Weena and Shadow are all missing.
Vamparagon: Alright, I'm going in.
Ryzaa: Fine, then I'm going with you. I owe Xusha one for burning my bacon. Security Officers #1 and #2, take up flanking positions!
Generic Security Officers: Sir! Yes sir!

Vamparagon, Ryzaa, and the two security officers enter the castle and sneak around. They are fortunate enough not to encounter any opposition along the way. Eventually, they make their way to the roof of the castle, where someone is hiding, and using a water gun to fend off painted soldiers.

Sticky: Man, am I glad to see you guys.
Ryzaa: What are you doing here, Sticky?
Sticky: Rage and I were working on figuring out who tried to bury us alive in paint brushes when the attack happened. We didn't hear it so we ended up getting trapped in the castle.
Vamparagon: So, where's Rage?
Sticky: He said something about you not saving him when he fell off the balloon in the last story and went to join forces with Xusha.
Vamparagon: Why I never.

All heads turn in surprise when the elevator arrives at the roof.

Vamparagon: Huh? Who's that?

The elevator door remains closed. The group edges closer, and is eventually able to make out a faint whisper.

???: Heeeeeelp!
Ryzaa: Someone's stuck. Security Officer #2.
Security Officer #2: Yes sir.

Security Officer #2 places a unit of C4 on the door.

Ryzaa: Everyone better stand back.

Security Officer #2 rushes back to the group.

Security Officer #2 Fire in the hole!

The elevator door blows off. Peregrine, Shadow and Weena tumble out.

Mrsebi: And now my friends, I will sing the whole song yet again.

Weena launches himself at the elevator, hits a button on the control panel and throws himself out before the elevator starts to descend. Mrsebi's song is lost within ten floors.

Ryzaa: ...How long have you guys been in there?
Shadow: Oh, just about all day.
Vamparagon: Pere.
Peregrine: Vamp.

The group descends down the staircase. On the eighteenth floor, Vamparagon's interest is piqued by something.

Vamparagon: Is that a DDR machine in that room whose door is ajar?
Peregrine: I think it might be.

Vamparagon and Peregrine run into the room and start throwing down. The rest of the group watches from the door.

Vamparagon: DANCE.
Peregrine: DANCE.
Vamparagon: DANCE.
Peregrine: DANCE.
Vamp & Pere: REVOLUTION.

Ten minutes after the competition started, both Vamparagon and Peregrine's scores were zero.

Shadow: Should we tell them that they need to step on the arrows?
Ryzaa: Nah, let's just go.

The group departs, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine behind. They dance for another ten minutes, before they both turn around to the sound of the door to the room slamming shut. Xusha stands in front of the now closed door.

Xusha: I see the two of you are still in TR Castle. I suppose you'll want to know why I turned evil. You see, it all started when-

There is a beep from Vamparagon's pocket.

Vamparagon: Hang on a sec Xusha, I gotta check my email.

Vamparagon pulls out his blackberry.

Xusha: Hey! You can't do that while I'm in the middle of m-
Peregrine: Oh snap, is that a Pearl 3G?
Vamparagon: Yeah, actually it is.
Peregrine: Nice blackberry, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Thanks.
Xusha: Are you two listening to me at all?

Vamparagon's expression suddenly turns to one of shock.

Vamparagon: I OWE A TALKING ALLIGATOR WHO OPERATES A GONDOLA SERVICE IN THE SEWERS UNDERNEATH TR CASTLE HOW MUCH MONEY?

Peregrine begins to whistle.

Vamparagon: Xusha, I'm holding you personally responsible. This is coming out of your pay check.
Xusha: You don't get it, do you? I took over TR. I'm the one who writes pay checks now.
Vamparagon: WHAT.
Xusha: Yeah.
Vamparagon: No, I just didn't hear you. Sorry.
Xusha: I TOOK OVER TR.
Vamparagon: WHAT? NOBODY MESSES WITH TR. PERE, IT'S SHOW TIME.
Peregrine: I'VE GOT YOUR BACK, VAMP.

Vamparagon summons his leafeon. Peregrine summons his charizard.

Vamparagon: GO LEAFEON, USE FANGORN ROOTS.
Peregrine: CHARIZARD, USE INFERNAL INCINERATOR.

Charizard and Leafeon look at each other with puzzled expressions.

Charizard: Charizard?
Leafeon: Leafeon, leafeon.
Xusha: Your POKéMON don't have those attacks.
Vamp & Pere: Oh.

Xusha waits patiently while Vamparagon and Peregrine think of a new plan.

Vamparagon: ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
Peregrine: TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE.
Vamparagon: FORM OF:
Peregrine: DIGITAL ARTISTS.

Vamparagon and Peregrine start dancing. There is a bright flash of light that looks something like the flare of a lens that causes Xusha to shield her eyes. There are more bright flashes of light in the room, causing Xusha to stumble out into the hallway. More bright flares flash all around her, leading her to believe that the same bright flashes of light were occurring all over the castle.

Xusha: ARGH, STOP THAT.
Peregrine: AND SO AS WE PHOTOSHOP-
Vamparagon: -UNLIMITED FOCAL POINT WORKS.

TR Castle is filled with lens flare, obliterating all of Xusha's painted soldiers. The entire foundation starts to rock. Security Officer #1 loses his balance and falls to the ground.

Security Officer #2: You alright, security officer #1?
Security Officer #1: Yeah, I'm just peachy. Thanks for the concern, security officer #2.

*meanwhile, in the big bad's lair*

The Big Bad: It would seem that Xusha failed to take over TR, and all Mathia did was be in the general area when TR accidentally destroyed itself. I sure hope the next boss I throw at them has more success.

Spoiler:: They won’t.

The Big Bad: I just can't win, can I? ):

*meanwhile*

DANGEROUS CRIMINAL ROAMS THE STREETS ONCE MORE
Just kidding, it's only Cial.

The master thief Cial was released from prison today.

"THIS is headline news?" Cial asked reporters in his interview. "I was in jail for about six hours because I stole some marshmallow frogzards."

"It's not a big deal," adds Cial. "Get over it."

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon and Peregrine are confronting Xusha outside in the corridor.

Xusha: Oh dash it, this ruins my evil plan. I don't know how, but it does.
Peregrine: ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE.
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, how 'bout some lunch as an apology for throwing you into the sewers earlier? My treat.
Peregrine: Gee Vamp, thanks a bunch.

And so they all lived happily ever after.

Vamparagon: I lied about taking you out to lunch, by the way.
Peregrine: Yeah, I know.

The end.

by Peregrine on Tue May 25, 2010 8:23 am

SECRET ENDING.

Vamparagon walks into the conference room the next day. The only other person who is in the conference is Peregrine, who was still asleep from the last meeting. Vamparagon's phone rings. He checks it. The sound of the ringing wakes Peregrine up. Peregrine looks over at Vamparagon.

Peregrine: Hold up, is that an iPhone 3GS?
Vamparagon: Yeah, I figured it was time for an upgrade.
Peregrine: Can I have your blackberry if you're not going to use it?
Vamparagon: No.

The end.

by Peregrine on Sun May 30, 2010 2:33 am

The scene opens up to a man walking down the hallway of TR Castle. There are many doors on either side of him. Being the curious fellow he is, he is sneaking between the doors and listening in on the conversations being had within them using the key holes.

Shadow: So, which toilet's overflowing again?
Vamparagon: All of them.
Shadow: Also, on which floor?
Vamparagon: All of them.

Security Officer #1: STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM.
Security Officer #2: YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW.
Security Officer #1: PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE.
Security Officer #2: YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT.

Chamberino: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Practicin'.
Chamberino: For what?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

Eventually, he comes to a door that is partially ajar. He peeks in and finds himself in a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently turned off. The only person in the conference room is Peregrine, who is still asleep from the last meeting. Peregrine wakes up and looks over to regard the man.

Peregrine: Oh hey Cial.
Cial: Hello. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I DID IT, PEREGRINE. I FINALLY GOT A LINE.
Peregrine: Doesn't count.
Cial: What do you mean, it doesn't count?
Peregrine: This isn't an actual story chapter. Therefore, it doesn't count.
Cial: Oh, give me a break.
Peregrine: Don't worry, we'll invent a creative way to get rid of you in time for the next chapter.
Cial: Man, this sucks. By the way, is it just me or is the conference room missing a wall?
Peregrine: Now you're just talking nonsense.

Cial leaves the conference room and starts walking down the hall dejected. He runs into Wixmagic along the way.

Wixmagic: Hello. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I DID IT, CIAL. I FINALLY GOT A LINE.
Cial: Yeah, too bad nothing counts for this story since it's not an official chapter.
Wixmagic: Laaaaaaaaaame.
Cial: I know, right?
Wixmagic: Dude, I have an idea. Let's go find that other minor character Mrsebi and have our own plot.
Cial: Oh man, we'll be like, the main characters. Let's do this.

*later, at Mrsebi's house*

Cial and Wixmagic walk in through the open door and into Mrsebi's kitchen. Mrsebi is at the kitchen and is eating a piece of paper with a picture of an egg on it. The piece of paper is covered in pepper.

Cial: Hey Sebi, want to go on an adventure with us?
Mrsebi: YES.
Wixmagic: So, what should we do? Should we have a trainer battle on the moon? Or maybe we'll infiltrate and reclaim TR Castle from Xusha's painted army?
Mrsebi: LET'S CHANGE MY LiGhT bUlB.
Cial: Uhhhh, that's not an adventure Se-
Mrsebi: LIGHT BULB.
Cial: Fine, fine. We'll help you change your light bulb.

The group collects light bulb changing supplies. Wixmagic goes to the garage and returns with a step ladder. Cial goes into Mrsebi's storage closet and comes back with a new 60 watt light bulb. Mrsebi finishes his breakfast and washes up.

Cial: Alright, let's do this.

Wixmagic sets the ladder up under the light bulb that needs changing. Mrsebi climbs it and starts beating the old light bulb with the new light bulb.

Wixmagic: Wait, stop! You're going to break it!

Sure enough, both light bulbs shatter. Cial and Wixmagic have to duck to avoid the falling shards of glass and mercury.

Cial: It sure is a good thing this story is already so unrealistic, otherwise we'd have to address the fact that we just got mercury everywhere.

Mrsebi climbs down from the ladder and makes a proclamation.

Mrsebi: LET'S GO TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND BUY MORE LIGHT BULBS.

The group goes to the garage and gets in Mrsebi's pool. The pool grows wheels and they travel to the hardware store. The group enters and looks around. They finally find the light bulbs next to the children's books section.

Mrsebi: LIGHT BULBS.

Mrsebi picks up as many light bulbs as he can carry and the group goes to the counter to check out. On the way back to Mrsebi's house, Mrsebi starts making wrong turns.

Cial: Hey, uh, Sebi? This isn't the way to your house.
Wixmagic: Yeah. This is the way to TR Castle.
Mrsebi: RAVANGE.
Cial: WAIT WHAT.

The group arrives at TR Castle. Cial and Wixmagic, who are now Mrsebi's hostages, are ushered out. They try their best to look natural as they walk past the guards.

Cial: HEY GUYS.
Wixmagic: NOTHING UNNATURAL HERE.
Cial: NOPE.
Security Officer #1: Alright, thanks for the heads up that nothing's going down.
Security Officer #2: Move along, good people of TR.

The group carries on past the guards and through the main entrance hall. Security Officer #1 suddenly narrows his eyes and glances over at Security Officer #2.

Security Officer #1: Hey Security Officer #2, did Cial and Wixmagic just get lines?
Security Officer #2: Huh. You're right. That seems almost... Unnatural.

The sudden revelation that something unnatural was in fact about to happen caused the two generic security officers to jump to.

Security Officer #1: I'LL GO AFTER THEM. YOU GET RYZAA ON THE PHONE.
Security Officer #2: RIGHT.

Security Officer #1 charges headstrong into the castle, while Security Officer #2 phones Ryzaa for backup.

Ryzaa: Ryzaa speaking.
Security Officer #2: Sir, we've got a situation down here and need some back-up.
Ryzaa: What kind of situation are we talking about here?
Security Officer #2: Cial got lines.
Ryzaa: ...I'll get a team together ASAP.

Security Officer #2 hangs up and barges into TR Castle's entrance hall. To his right, Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and Weena are charging in through a door on the right that leads to the barracks. Directly in front of Security Officer #2, Vamparagon and Shadow are hurrying down the staircase that leads into the castle proper, taking the steps two at a time.

Vamparagon: Who upgraded our alert level to DEFCON 5?
Shadow: Wait, isn't that the lowest?
Vamparagon: What's your point?
Ryzaa: I did, Vamp.
Vamparagon: And why, pray tell, did you do that?
Ryzaa: Cial got lines.

There is a moment of silence among all those assembled as the revelation that Cial got lines sinks in.

Vamparagon: I want everyone looking for him, do you understand me? Everyone.
Ryzaa: What about Ice?
Vamparagon: Okay, everyone except Ice since he's a busy man.

All heads turn to the top of the staircase to regard a man at the top who is shouting.

Mrsebi: IT'S TOO LATE VAMPARAGON. I HAVE REPLACED ALL THE LIGHT BULBS IN TR CASTLE, AND THERE'S NOT A THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Shadow: Oh, thanks. That actually saves me a lot of work.
Vamparagon: Well, this was a productive afternoon. I think I'll take my second lunch break now.
Weena: Hold everything, Vamp gets two lunch breaks?
Security Officer #2: Man, I don't even get a name. If only I were a main character.
Mrsebi: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU OYSTERS AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ANTAGONISTS? WHILE YOU MAY BE HAPPY NOW, JUST WAIT UNTIL THE REVELATION COMES THAT NONE OF THE NEW LIGHT BULBS WERE OF THE ENERGY SAVING VARIETY .
Vamparagon: Okay, I've had just about enough of this. Flaw.
Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

Flaw of Insanity goes up the stairs, picks Mrsebi up roughly, and carries him away to the dungeons.

Vamparagon: Now that that's out of the way, I'm off to lunch. You oysters go find Cial.

Ryzaa, Weena, Shadow and Security Officer #2 organize the people at TR Castle into groups of four and they begin combing the place for Cial. Eventually, one group finds him and Wixmagic tied up in the glue storage facility.

Sticky: Someone call Ryzaa and let him know we found them.

While Nagi phones Ryzaa, wwwtoy and Peregrine untie the two.

wwwtoy: What are you guys even doing in the glue storage facility?
Peregrine: Also, why do we even have a glue storage facility?
Sticky: I'm kind of in charge of the glue storage facility.
Peregrine: Well, that figures.
Cial: Sorry everyone.
wwwtoy: Don't worry, looking for you gave us the day off from working. Not that we actually do any work around here, mind you.
Cial: No, I'm sorry Wix and I trying to be main characters resulting in all the damage Sebi caused.
Peregrine: Sebi caused damage?
Wixmagic: What'd he do with all the light bulbs then?
wwwtoy: What one usually does with light bulbs. Replace old light bulbs with them.
Wixmagic: Wait, that's all?
Cial: Hey guys... I know this is a bad time to ask, but can I have some lines for the next chapter?
Peregrine: Sure.
Cial: Really? You mean it?
Peregrine: Yeah Cial, you can have some lines for the next chapter.
Cial: AWESOME! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

TR PARTICPATES IN COMPANY WORKER EXCHANGE PROGRAM
"Cial is about to get written out of the story again," experts predict.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has recently listed itself as a participant in a company worker exchange program.

The program will have two companies exchange a worker with each other. TR will be exchanging a worker with one of their lead competitors.

"The primary goal is to strengthen the bond between our two companies, to pave the way to a brighter and more profitable future for the both of us," explains Ragegamer, a high ranking director from TR. "The secondary goal is to write Cial out of the show as part of a recurring gag."

When asked what he thought of the program, Cial had this to say to reporters:

"I only want some lines. Why can't anyone respect that?"

"I found two thousand ways how not to make a light bulb."

The end.

by Peregrine on Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:26 am

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

MiltFan666: -And that is why I think Miltonius is the most powerful being in all of the world.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
MiltFan666: You are wrong sir! I came from the womb of Miltonius, and am his eternal serv-
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

MiltFan666: I'll have you all know that The Miltonius Fan Club have a lot to offer TR!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, MiltFan666. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
MiltFan666: Yes, in fact they were just saying how Miltonius was-
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in The Miltonius Fan Club.
Cial: I'm not at The Miltonius Fan Club.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at the Miltonius Fan Club? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Miltonius Fan Club Member: WHO HERE HAS DRUDGEN?
Miltonius Fan Club Member: ANYONE HERE WITH DRUDGEN?
Miltonius Fan Club Member: I WANT DRUDGEN.
Xusha: :(

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Oh well. I'm sure we'll figure that out eventually. Anyway, on to business.
MiltFan666: By the way, do any of you have Drudgen?
Vamparagon: Today's the day of our big bake sale that we've been planning.
Peregrine: I think Vamp has Drudgen.
Vamparagon: I for one finished making some serious subs this morning. What did the rest of you bring?
MiltFan666: Vamp, may I please see Drudgen?
Vamparagon: You wanna see what now?
Erik: Well, I made brownies but you and Pere ate them all.
MiltFan666: Drudgen.
Vamparagon What's a Drudgen?
Mrsebi: I MADE BRUSHED TEETH.
MiltFan666: Someone here said you had it.
Mrsebi: I BRUSHED 'EM REAAAL GOOOD.
Vamparagon: If it was Peregrine who said that, then tell him that on a scale of one to ten he's fired.
Sticky: I brewed some scotch.
MiltFan666: He says he doesn't have Drudgen.
Peregrine: Try asking him again.
MiltFan666: Vamp, may I please see Drudgen?

Suddenly, the conference room doors swing open and someone new steps in, dragging a man behind them.

wwwtoy: I made something for the bake sale.

wwwtoy throws the man down onto the ground.

Walt: Ow!
Vamparagon: So, let's recap here. For the bake sale, we've got subs, eaten brownies, Sebi's teeth, scotch and Walt.
Ragegamer: That about sums it up.
Vamparagon: Shouldn't be too bad then. Erik, Sebi, Sticky, Toy, Rage, you five go and set up shop somewhere and sell the merchandise. Cial, Peregrine, you two are fired. The rest of you go about your regular duties.
Cial: FIRED?!
Peregrine: WHAAAAAAAA-
Charon: So what will you be doing?
Vamparagon: I'll be down at Yulgar's having a relaxing drink.

Peregrine's eyes narrow cunningly as he quietly gets up and exits the room. The rest follow suit. The five that were selected gather up any bake sale goods and head towards the great outdoors. Cial heads to his office to pack his things. He is gloomy, and has his head down. Halfway there, he raises his head, and a look of determination crosses his face.

*later*

Erik: Well, here we are at this bake sale location.

A small cart is positioned on a street corner. In the cart are Vamparagon's subs (all two and a half of them that they had been given by Vamparagon), some crumbs that Erik had saved from his brownies, Sticky's bottle of scotch, and Walt. Sebi's teeth also have a price tag on them, which is attached to his teeth by string.

Mrsebi: Yummy yummy yummy yummy!
Sticky: So, do we just stand here until someone comes along?
Ragegamer: Yep.

Many people walk by the cart without even giving it a second glance. Eventually, one person dares to stop and purchase something.

Dake: I'll take the scotch.
Ragegamer: That'll be five gold.
Dake: Only five gold? What a deal.

Dake moves to pick up the bottle of scotch. As soon as he touches it, his face turns to a grimace of absolute horror.

Dake: This scotch is warm.
Sticky: Yeah, I forgot to cool it.
Dake: Just what kind of bake sale are you running here?

Dake storms off in a huff. Sticky looks like he feels kind of bad.

wwwtoy: Maybe we should have told him that he got a free Walt with every purchase of scotch.

Elsewhere, Cial is giving a speech to a large group assembled in TR Castle's cafeteria. Many people are shouting and cheering him on.

Cial: THE TIME HAS COME FOR US TO TAKE A STAND.
Nagi: YEAH!
Cial: MINOR CHARACTERS, ONE AND ALL.
Wixmagic: YEAH!
Cial: WE WILL TAKE TR FOR OURSELVES!
Thoru: YEAH!
Cial: NOTHING WILL STAND IN OUR WAY!
Winnie: YEAH!
Shadow: I don't even have my own name!
Cial: Eh? Shadow, you're not really a minor character.
LightningZStar: That's not Shadow, that's the other Shadow.
Juliana: We usually just call him Shadz to prevent confusion.
Cial: Oh, sorry Shadz.
Shadz: Sheesh.
Cial: Anyway, let's appoint one of us minor characters as the new emperor of TR!
Everyone Assembled: CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL!
Cial: I ACCEPT THE TITLE OF EMPEROR OF TR.
Everyone Assembled: YEAH!

Ryzaa walks into the cafeteria for a quick coffee break and sees the assembly.

Ryzaa: Alright, just what in the name of emperor Vamparagon is going on here?

Ryzaa, having said the forbidden name, receives the cold angry looks of the mob.

Ryzaa: Oh for the love of crap, not THIS again.

Ryzaa tries to run but the mob tackles him. He is pinned to the ground, and then dragged off to the castle dungeons.

Cial: Scour the castle of everyone who's ever played an important role in this story! Send them all to the dungeons!

The mob dissipates to carry out Cial's will. Cial takes a seat at a cafeteria table to plan out the next stage of his plan: Vamparagon's demise.

*elsewhere*

Vamparagon: This berry mug sure is delicious. And it only cost one hundred gold!
Yulgar: Come again!

Vamparagon finds himself a table in the corner, next to a bush. He then takes a sip out of his berry mug. As he does so, a thought occurs to him.

Vamparagon: Hmmmm... I probably could have stolen that scotch Sticky made and drank that for free.

The bush near Vamparagon's table rustles a little, but Vamparagon pays it no heed.

Vamparagon: I wonder how the bake sale is going, anyway.

It is in that moment of nonchalantness that Peregrine makes his move. He leaps from behind the bush and grabs Vamparagon by the scuff of the neck.

Peregrine: FIRING ME, HUH?
Vamparagon: UNHAND ME, VILLAINOUS FIEND.

A beam of green light descends from the ceiling above the two of them, and consumes them both. All the patrons in the inn regard the now empty table for about a minute. They then look back to their berry mugs.

Inn Patron: I think Yulgar may have added too many berries to this batch. I just saw two guys get abducted by aliens.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: Way to get us abducted by aliens.
Vamparagon: That's funny. I was just about to say the same thing to you.

The two are in darkness for a good minute before the room is filled with a blinding light. The two stand there blinking while their eyes adjust. Once adjusted, they discover that they have indeed been abducted by aliens and that they are indeed on a space ship. The room they are in is completely silver, and has a seamless silver door with a window that is seemingly the only exit.

Vamparagon: I guess we'd better go through this door.
Peregrine: Yep.

A moment of complete silence is shared between the two as they ready themselves for the perils ahead. Finally, the silence is broken.

Peregrine: Ladies first.
Vamparagon: No no, I insist.

The temperature suddenly drops. White gas begins to fill the room. Both Vamparagon and Peregrine realize that the room is some sort of freezer, and that they're what's being preserved.

Peregrine: Well, then I'd be more than happy to go first.
Vamparagon: THE DOOR'S LOCKED. WE'RE DONE FOR.

Peregrine rushes over to the door and pushes it. To Vamparagon's surprise, the door swings outwards.

Peregrine: Looks like it was unlocked.
Vamparagon: Well then.

The duo leaves the freezing room and begins to explore the ship. Many doors are on either side of them. One of them catches Vamparagon's eye.

Vamparagon: Pere, check this out.

Peregrine moves to the door Vamparagon is standing in front of. The two peer into the window. They are both surprised at what they see.

Peregrine: It's Ice!

Peregrine opens the door, and the two step inside. The temperature in this room is beyond freezing. Icewolfking himself, who was supported by the door, falls to the ground. Vamparagon moves over to him and shakes him, trying to get a reaction.

Vamparagon: Ice? Speak to me buddy. Ice?
Icewolfking: ...
Vamparagon: Ice!
Peregrine: Maybe we should thaw him out first.
Vamparagon: Oh, yeah. Good idea.

The two drag Icewolfking out of the room and seal the door again. It takes a while, but eventually Ice is able to move and talk again.

Icewolfking: 'sup guys?
Vamparagon: Ice? How did you get here?
Icewolfking: Well, I was chillin', and then I was abducted by aliens.
Vamparagon: Then what happened?
Icewolfking: Well, then as you could see, I went back to chillin'.
Peregrine: We should find the escape pods so we can escape.
Icewolfking: Sure, just let me get my stuff.

Icewolfking goes back into the cryogenic freezing room and returns with an umbrella and a frozen glass of lemonade.

Icewolfking: Now we can go.

*elsewhere, at TR Castle*

The room is dark and barren. Its stone walls are cracked, and moss is growing in the cracks. In one corner, is a table with two chairs. Manacles attached to chains hang from the walls. The bones of someone who was thrown in the dungeons that Vamparagon must have forgotten about litter the floor. Many of the TR members who stayed loyal to Vamparagon are playing with a deck of cards that they found on the table.

Shadow: Charon, got any sevens?
Charon: Go fish.

*elsewhere*

This room is even darker. There is a table and a chair in the center, at which Sepulchure00 is seated. The only light source in the room is a lamp, which is being shone upon Sepulchure00's face. A man -- Cial -- is pacing back and forth interrogating Sepulchure00.

Cial: Where is Vamparagon?
Sepulchure00: I dunno.
Cial: You should, you're his secretary.
Sepulchure00: Well, I don't.

Cial suddenly slams his fists on the table. Sepulchure00 pales a little.

Cial: We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way.
Sepulchure00: I really don't know anything.

In the darkness, Sepulchure00 can hear Cial dialling a cell phone.

Cial: Send in the weapon codenamed: EXCHANGE.

Sepulchure00 gulps as the door to the interrogation room opens. A man is ushered in by Alderos and Shadz, who both immediately make a break for it.

MiltFan666: Hi.
Sepulchure00: Um, hello?
MiltFan666: Anyone here have drudgen?
Sepulchure00: NO, PLEASE. NO MORE, NO MORE. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW, JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

Alderos and Shadz burst in and sedate MiltFan666. In the darkness, Cial is rather pleased with himself.

Cial: Where is Vamparagon?
Sepulchure00: YULGAR'S. HE WENT TO YULGAR'S.

*meanwhile*

Sales at the bake sale continue to be unsuccessful. Mrsebi's teeth are especially unpopular items. Suddenly, the bake sale cart is smashed by a wrecking ball.

Erik: Hey! What gives!
Dake: Cial's orders. He said to use a wrecking ball to destroy your bake sale.
Sticky: THIS IS OVER THE SCOTCH, ISN'T IT?
Dake: Maybe.
wwwtoy: Nobody worry, it looks like Walt is okay.
Walt: It hurts to breathe.
Mrsebi: THAT WRECKING BALL MAKES ME WANT GRAVY.

*later*

A sports car pulls up at Yulgar's inn. Cial, Weena, Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 step out and enter the inn.

Cial: Yulgar, where is Vamparagon.
Yulgar: He got abducted by aliens.
Cial: Oh. Well then. I guess that saves me some trouble dealing with him.
Yulgar: Yep, sure does. By the way, since you're his successor, you can pay for his tab.
Cial: Uhhh, I sort of don't have any money on me.
Yulgar: That's okay, you can wash dishes instead.
Cial: Hah! An emperor wash dishes. Weena, you and the unnamed security officers-

Cial looks around him fervently but is unable to find Weena, Security Officer #1 or Security Officer #2.

Cial: THEY LEFT ME TO WASH THE DISHES MYSELF.
Yulgar: Soap's under the counter of the sink in the back room, by the way
Cial: So just how high is Vamp's tab?
Yulgar: Did you have plans for the summer?
Cial: Yes?
Yulgar: Then you're not going to like what I have to tell you.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine and Icewolfking wander the ship until they finally find the escape pods. Just as they're about to make their exit from the ship, another man jumps in front of the escape pod hatch.

InvadersFromDeepSpace: If you wish to pass, you must prove your strength to me by battling!
Vamparagon: Piece of cake.

InvadersFromDeepSpace throws out his Arceus. Vamparagon throws out his Leafeon.

Peregrine: Why do we need to have a trainer battle?
InvadersFromDeepSpace: GO ARCEUS, USE JUDGEMENT!
Peregrine: Can't we just punch him in the face and move on?
Vamparagon: LEAFEON, COUNTER WITH LEAF BLADE!
Peregrine: Vamp, are you even listening to me?
Vamparagon: Shut up, Pere.
Peregrine: Excuse me?
Vamparagon: I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS TRAINER BATTLE HERE, OKAY?

*one trainer battle later*

Vamparagon: Awww yeah, leveling up my Leafeon.
InvadersFromDeepSpace: Maybe you have defeated me, but the golden throne aboard this ship will never be yours!
Peregrine: We don't care.
Vamparagon: Gold throne, you say?
Peregrine: VAMP.
Vamparagon: You guys go on ahead, I'll meet up with you later.

Vamparagon goes running off through the ship's corridors. Icewolfking and Peregrine make their exit via an escape pod. Vamparagon eventually finds the gold throne InvadersFromDeepSpace spoke of situated on the bridge of the ship. It is huge and made of solid gold. Vamparagon tries sitting on it, and discovers to his pleasant surprise that it is very comfortable for a solid piece of metal.

Vamparagon: What a throne. It even has a lever next to it so I can recline.

Vamparagon pulls the lever next to the throne. There is a hiss from underneath the throne before the throne suddenly bursts into flames from the bottom. The force of the explosion catapults the throne upwards, through the glass ceiling of the space ship's bridge, and out into the skies of Earth.

Vamparagon: YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

The solid gold ejection seat flies downwards through the air until its trajectory is halted by connecting with the escape pod Peregrine and Icewolfking are in. The ejection seat's engines are burned to crisps by the escape pod's engines, and it ends up riding on top of the escape pod.

Peregrine: That thump I just heard better not have had something to do with Vamp.
Icewolfking: Dude, you have GOT to chill.

The escape pod and the gold throne soar back down to the ground until finally landing in the lake that surrounds TR Castle. Peregrine and Icewolfking get out and clamber onto the top of the escape pod where Vamparagon and the gold throne are. Icewolfking gets his umbrella up and begins using the excess heat from the engines to melt his lemonade.

And so, there they were. Peregrine, looking grumpy and stranded on an escape pod floating in a lake with Vamparagon. Icewolfking, doing what he did best. And Vamparagon, underneath Icewolfking's umbrella, sitting upon his golden throne. The true emperor of TR.

Later that day, all the members of TR are assembled in the cafeteria. Excluding Xusha, who is unaccounted for.

Vamparagon: Well Cial, I gotta say. You did a fine job filling in for me. So fine in fact, that I take back what I said about firing you.
Cial: Wait... You think I did a good job?
Vamparagon: You threw about half the castle workers in jail and ruined today's bake sale. Cial, that's exactly what I would have done. Furthermore, I found the wrecking ball very innovative. Excellent work.
Cial: Uhhh... Thanks I think. So does this mean I can still be emperor?
Vamparagon: Hahaha, sure Cial. From this point on, you are now emperor of TR.
Cial: Wow! Really?!
Vamparagon: No.
Cial: Oh.
Vamparagon: But I will give you five minutes to get your crap out of my office before I tell Flaw to throw it out for you.
Cial: Well... Thanks, I guess.

It is in that beautifully happy ending that Xusha decides to stumble into the cafeteria.

Xusha: Dru... Dru... Drudgen... Drudgen... Must see... Drudgen...

Xusha collapses on the floor. Everyone stares at her for about a minute before returning their attention to Vamparagon.

Vamparagon: Also, I've decided to take back what I said about firing Peregrine as well.
Peregrine: Oh? Why's that?
Vamparagon: Well Pere, if it weren't for your inability to fly an escape pod, you never would have crashed into my throne while I was driving, and then I might have died in the impact with Earth.
Peregrine: But you crashed into me.
Vamparagon: Anyway, that'll be all. Dismissed.

The group dissipates from the cafeteria.

EMPEROR VAMPARAGON'S NEW CHAIR
This is headline news for some reason.

A strange new golden throne has appeared in TR Castle. According to a spokesperson for TR, the chair is the property of emperor Vamparagon, the leader of TR.

"He stole it from some aliens," says Chamberino, a high ranking TR official. "Since stealing isn't illegal as long as you're stealing from aliens, that makes it his."

"We're repaired the rocket boosters on the golden throne," remarks Dake, TR's engineering specialist. "Just in case he needs to make a quick getaway."

However, not everyone thinks Vamparagon's new chair is the best thing since sliced bread. Crystal Lion had this to say to reporters.

"He's started calling it the golden throne of terror, and he's making plans for a space station with a throne room built into it that will orbit the sun. I'm a little worried his ego is going to become too large to deal with."

Whatever the outcome, one thing can be certain. Things will never be the same as they used to be at TR.

"The thing I don't understand is why so often one hears discussion of the fruits of human labour as if it's all the creation of some alien race."

The end.

by Peregrine on Mon Jun 14, 2010 3:28 am

The Emperor Strikes Back: Scrapped Exchange Workers.
I went through a lot of possible candidates for the exchange worker. Here are a few that stood out from the rest.

Nuke

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

Nuke: Indeed.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
Nuke: LOL.
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

Nuke: XD

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, Nuke. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
Nuke: Indeed.
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in Nukia.
Cial: I'm not at Nukia.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at Nukia? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Nukian: WAR!!!
Nukian: WAR!!!
Nukian: MORE WAR!!!
Xusha: Peace?
Nukia: No.
Xusha: :(

Mathia

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

Mathia: -And that is why I think I'm better than you.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
Mathia: Why don't you come over here Ragegamer and we'll settle this face to fac-
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

Mathia: I'll have you all know that The Gentlemen of Lore has a lot to offer TR!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, Mathia. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
Mathia: Yeah, but I'm much better than they ar-
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in The Gentlemen of Lore.
Cial: I'm not at The Gentlemen of Lore.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at The Gentlemen of Lore? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Gentlemen of Lore Member: I say chaps. Fine day, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Slepndid day, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Quite so, wot.
Xusha: I say, what a day, eh?
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Blimey chaps. That was quite a failure, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Extroadinary failure, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Quite so, wot.
Xusha: :(

A Tape Recorder

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A tape recorder is sitting at the head of the table.

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Ragegamer: Where did this thing come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish it wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, tape recorder. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in Tape Recorders Inc.
Cial: I'm not at Tape Recorders Inc.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at Tape Recorders Inc? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Xusha: :(

by V on Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:36 am

Bonus Scene #2 feat. V
(Unlocked if you buy both disc collections and beat the Elite Zards 4 times.)

It was a peaceful afternoon in the TR Castle. Vamp was walking down the hallway with his unplugged Macintosh laptop under his arm, retrieving some frozen vegetarian sausages from the freezer. As he opened the door, he noticed Icewolfking.

Vamp: Ice, what are you doing?
Ice: Come on Vamp.
Vamp: You're right. But Peregrine has always portrayed me as clueless.
Ice: We have to fight the power, man.
Vamp & Ice: FIGHT THE POWER.

After their bohemian activities, Vamp noticed Ice's lemonade cup was empty.

Vamp: Hey Ice, do you want some more Lemonade?
Ice: Okay.
Vamp: I think I'll take my second lunch break now. I'll get your lemonade afterwards.
Ice: Alright, I'll just be here chil--

Ice: Whoah! Is that pink lemonade?
Vamp: No. It's just watered down Kool-Aid.

Ice: Oh.

by Peregrine on Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:35 pm

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Five people are seated around the table. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man with wavy red hair and a zard are at the head of the table. The man is sitting in a golden throne; the zard is standing next to him. The man is giving a speech to those assembled while stroking the zard's head.

Vamparagon: Everyone, meet my new hot girlfriend: Cocoa.

The zard's eyes regard each of the five people in turn, sizing them up for snacks.

Erik: Uhhhh...
Xusha: It's a zard, Vamp.
Erik: Ermmm...
Mrsebi: ALSO, EVERYONE MEET MY NEW HOT GIRLFRIEND, KATHERINE.
Katherine: I like blood.
Mrsebi: SO DO I.
Katherine: I like the feel of blood dripping down my face.
Mrsebi: I LIKE THE FEEL OF BLOOD PUMPING FROM MY HEART.
Katherine: I enjoy the screams of horror uttered by my victims as I murder them.
Mrsebi: I ENJOY IT WHEN MY RED BLOOD CELLS CARRY OXYGEN TO MY TOES.
Katherine: Oh, Sebi.

Cial looks from side to side, feeling rather left out.

Cial: Hey so uhhh Xusha... I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to go out to lunch today with me.
Xusha: Sorry Cial, but when the time comes my heart will go to a main character.
Cial: Hey! I get all sorts of lines these days!
Vamparagon: Oh, that reminds me.

Vamparagon hits a few of the keys on his laptop. A trap door opens underneath Cial's chair, causing him and his chair to fall into the depths below.

Vamparagon: Hmmm... I told the person who installed it to have it make a whoosh sound. Anyone know where Dake is?
Xusha: Come to think of it, where is everyone else? Is this it? Did everyone just not come today?

Vamparagon flips open his cell phone, dials, and holds the device to his ear.

Flaw of Insanity: Acting head of security, speaking.
Vamparagon: Wait, what? Where's Ry?
Flaw of Insanity: He and the rest of security are going on the fishing trip.
Vamparagon: So you're telling me that over half my company is going on a fishing trip and I'm just finding out about it now?
Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

Vamparagon flips his cell phone closed and rises from his throne angrily.

Vamparagon: Be right back.

Vamparagon makes his way out of the conference room, down the building's elevator, and out the front gates of TR Castle. Once there, he finds several dozen trailers, and many of his employees preparing supplies for a serious fishing trip.

Ryzaa: Hooks?
Chamberino: Check.
Ryzaa: Sinkers?
Chamberino: Check.
Ryzaa: Lines?
Vamparagon: Just what in the name of Cocoa's beautiful scales is going on here.
Ryzaa: I thought I explicitly stated Vamp wasn't invited. How'd he find out about this?
Vamparagon: You're in front of my castle. It was only a matter of time until I walked outside for a lunch break.
Ryzaa: Hmm, maybe this WAS a bad idea.

It was then that Icewolfking walked past carrying a mini-fridge full of lemonade and an umbrella.

Icewolfking: Yo.
Vamparagon: Hey Ice.
Ryzaa: 'sup Ice?

Icewolfking continues on. Vamparagon and Ryzaa resume arguing.

Vamparagon: So all I have left of this company while you guys are away is Xusha, Cial, Sebi, Katherine, Erik and Flaw?
Ryzaa: Yeah, pretty much.
Vamparagon: Leave me one more person and I'll let you go.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Peregrine.
Vamparagon: I don't want Peregrine.
Ryzaa: Would you rather have Toy?
Vamparagon: Yes, actually.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Toy.
Vamparagon: I don't want Toy without Walt.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Walt as well.
Vamparagon: Can I have Security Officer #2 as well?
Ryzaa: No. I'm drawing the line at Security Officer #2.
Vamparagon: Oh, come on. I need more security than just Flaw.
Ryzaa: Nah, don't worry. I posted on twitter that we were all leaving and not to attack TR Castle until we get back.
Vamparagon: Oh, well I guess that's okay then. Have a good trip.

Ryzaa leaves to fetch wwwtoy and Walt. When he returns, Peregrine is with him instead.

Ryzaa: I couldn't find Toy or Walt, but here's Peregrine instead.
Vamparagon: I explicitly stated that I don't want Peregrine.
Ryzaa: Well, he's all you're getting.

Ryzaa walks away, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine alone.

Vamparagon; I really didn't want you.
Peregrine: Yeah, I got that, thanks.

The procession of vehicles rolls out, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine standing alone in front of the gates of TR Castle.

Vamparagon: Oh for the love of... I got distracted and forgot to talk to Dake while I was out here.
Peregrine: That's a shame.
Vamparagon: No, what is a shame is that you're going to be fulfilling all the jobs usually done by the people who just went fishing.
Peregrine: But we don't even know what most of them do while they're not on screen!
Vamparagon: Then I guess that sucks for you.

Vamparagon heads into the castle parking lot, gets in his car, and drives home. Upon his arrival at his house, he enters to discover the light is on in the living room. He enters the living room, and sees Cocoa.

Cocoa: Grawr rawr arwrar.
Vamparagon: Hey hun, I'm home. So, what did you think of my employees? Pretty stupid, aren't the-

Vamparagon is then cut off by a loud flushing noise, followed by Erik entering the hallway adjoining the living room through the second door on the left.

Vamparagon: Just what in the name of leafeon's green leaves is going on here.
Erik: I had to go.
Vamparagon: You better not have messed with my flowers. I just picked that bouquet this morning, and I have to say it was the most innovative bouquet yet.
Cocoa: Ararw grawr drawr.

Vamparagon regards Cocoa with a shocked expression, and then looks back at Erik.

Vamparagon: No, seriously Just what in the name of Sticky's sticky glue storage facility is going on here.
Erik: Uhhhh... Well... The reason I was so nervous in the conference room when you introduced Cocoa is because... Uhhhhh...
Vamparagon: Spit it out before I start beating you with my golden throne.
Erik: Cocoa's my pregnant wife.

*meanwhile*

wwwtoy: Walt, you make a terrible bait.

wwwtoy had just reeled his line in to discover that no fish had taken an interest in his bait -- Walt.

Walt: The fish hook hurts.
wwwtoy: Do better this time.

wwwtoy casts his line, causing Walt to fly back into the lake.

Ragegamer: Isn't this a dead lake?
Crystal Lion: Why would it be?
Ragegamer: Before TR, Vamp was the owner of a successful oil refinery. The wind blew pollution from it into this lake until Vamp was forced to shut down because he had killed everything in the lake.
Ryzaa: So you're telling me that Vamp ruined my fishing expedition three years in advance?
Ragegamer: Yes.

*meanwhile*

Xusha: Pere? What are you doing here?
Peregrine: Chillin'.
Xusha: Where's your umbrella?
Peregrine: Bah, I knew I forgot something.
Xusha: Stop trying to fill in for Ice. You just aren't cool enough.

*ba-dum-TSSH*

Xusha leaves the mini-fridge and returns to her table. Peregrine squeezes himself out of the mini-fridge and walks to the bar counter where Flaw of Insanity is seated. The bartender, a man named Robaldo, is busy scrubbing a glass.

Peregrine: Rob, I'll have a sidewinder fang.
Robaldo: All we have is TR ale, friend.
Peregrine: ...Fine.

Robaldo leaves to fetch Peregrine a glass of TR ale. Flaw of Insanity, beside Peregrine, holds up his own TR ale in a gesture.

Flaw of Insanity: You should've asked for tap water.

Suddenly, TR Castle's alarm starts blaring.

Flaw of Insanity: Let's roll.
Peregrine: Awww yeah.

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine rush to TR's entrace hall. A large mass of armed people are already milling about, looking rather lost. Flaw of Insanity puts his hand on his holstered pistol and he and Peregrine walk out to meet a man who appears to be the leader of the mob.

Flaw of Insanity: Can we help you?
Angel of Grief: We heard TR was planning to attack us.
Peregrine: We aren't.
Angel of Grief: Oh really?
Peregrine: Yeah, really.
Angel of Grief: Oh, okay then.

Angel of Grief shouts at his people to leave and the group mills back outdoors.

Angel of Grief: Thanks for clearing that up.
Peregrine: No problem.

Angel of Grief leaves. The entrance hall doors slam shut. Flaw of Insanity flips open his security issue cell phone and types in a number. The alarm turns off, and TR Castle is once again quiet.

Flaw of Insanity: I guess that's one crisis averted.

The entire castle shakes as something impacts with its walls.

Flaw of Insanity: Here comes the next one.

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine run outside to find out who's attacking them now. Many gentlemen in expensive suits, top hats and monocles are running around firing ballista bolts at TR Castle's walls. The integrity of the walls is already starting to fail, and portions of the wall are missing where ballista bolts broke through the stone. Suddenly, a man with a jetpack descends from the sky to gloat over Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine.

Mathia: I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D SEE ME AGAIN, DID YOU?
Flaw of Insanity: Can't say I did.
Mathia: WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN IT WAS I WHO TOLD ANGEL OF GRIEF THAT YOU WERE PLANNING TO ATTACK HIS COMPANY?
Peregrine: Not really. Minor inconveniences are your style.
Mathia: WOULD IT ALSO SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN IT WAS I WHO TOLD RYZAA TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY FOR A FISHING TRIP?
Peregrine: No.
Mathia: AND WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU TO-
Flaw of Insanity: Can you stop yelling at us?
Mathia: -HEY, SHUT UP. I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT BECAUSE I'M TAKING OVER TR.
Flaw of Insanity: We'll just see about that.

Flaw of Insanity draws his pistol and fires at Mathia's right jetpack engine. The engine goes out and Mathia starts spinning around in circles while ascending.

Mathia: CURSE YOU. WHOEVER YOU ARE.
Flaw of Insanity: The name's Insanity. Flaw of Insanity.
Mathia: AAARRRRRGHHHHH.

Mathia spirals off into the sky. Flaw blows off the smoke from his pistol and reholsters it.

Flaw of Insanity: Looks like I just proved I'm better than Mathia.
Peregrine: Yeah, but who hasn't?
Flaw of Insanity: I guess you're right.

A ballista bolt lands dangerously close to Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine.

Peregrine: Time to go.

The duo races back into the castle, avoiding enemy fire. They slam the grand hall doors shut and close all the castle's blast doors.

The battle for TR Castle had begun.

*elsewhere*

Vamparagon: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Erik: It's true, Vamp.
Vamparagon: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Erik: Uhhh, Vamp?
Vamparagon: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Erik: Yeah.
Vamparagon: Cocoa... I... I...

Vamparagon turns away from his hot frogzard girlfriend.

Vamparagon: It's over.

A single tear rolls down Cocoa's cheek. Erik goes over to the sofa and holds Cocoa in his arms, comforting her. Cocoa begins crying uncontrollably.

Vamparagon: I want you both out of my house this instant.

Without anyone expecting him too, Mathia bursts through the window. His jetpack propels him into the wall. The jetpack is knocked off his back, sending him tumbling to the ground. The jetpack then sails around until finally flying back out the window.

Mathia: VAMPARAGON, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I TOOK OVER TR.
Vamparagon: Mathia, I'm really not in the mood for jokes right now.
Mathia: NO, SERIOUSLY.
Vamparagon: Whatever. I don't care.
Mathia: AND NOW, THAT ART COMPANY HAS FINALLY FALLEN.
Vamparagon: Hold up, art company? We're clearly a health institution.

*flashback*

Doctor Cial and Doctor Juliana are running through the halls of a hospital rolling a white bed behind them. In the white bed is Alderos.

Doctor Cial: WE'RE LOSING HIM.
Doctor Juliana: PASS ME THE DEFIBRILLATOR.

*meanwhile*

Doctor wwwtoy and Doctor Chamberino are leaning over a bed. In the bed is Walt.

Doctor wwwtoy: HE'S MISSING THREE LEGS.
Doctor Chamberino: STAND BACK, I'M GOING TO PERFORM CPR.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Mrsebi and Doctor Security Officer #2 are leaning over a bed. In the bed is Shadow.

Doctor Mrsebi: WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO OPERATE. DOCTOR SECURITY OFFICER #2, PASS ME THAT HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH.

Doctor Security Officer #2 passes Doctor Mrsebi a ham and cheese sandwich.

Shadow: I'm fine. Really.

Mrsebi begins to hit Shadow in the chest with the ham and cheese sandwich.

Shadow: Stop that.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Cial: I'm sorry Doctor Juliana. He's gone.
Doctor Juliana: Poor Alderos. At least we did everything we could.

*meanwhile*

Sticky: I need immediate medical attention.
Xusha: Please take a number and have a seat.

Sticky takes a number from the dispenser. His number is 7.

Sticky: Alright! My lucky number!

Sticky looks at the now serving display. It reads: "Now Serving: -1323925287190"

Sticky: I'm not going to make it, am I?
Xusha: No.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Mrsebi: OPERATION.
Shadow: Look, I really am fine, oka- OH GOD IT BURNS.

A scalpel pierces Shadow's skin from underneath the skin and cuts his chest open. Doctor Security Officer #2 opens up Shadow's skin and peaks inside to see what happened.

Doctor Security Officer #2: Doctor King? What are you doing here?
Doctor Icewolfking: Operatin'.

*/flashback*

Vamparagon: Every day, the men and women of TR are saving lives.
Mathia: What are you talking about? You didn't save any lives in that flashback. In fact, Alderos died.
Vamparagon: Shut up Mathia.
Mathia: Like I was saying, I took over TR.
Vamparagon: I don't care.

Vamparagon props the collar on his coat, turns around, and walks out the door in slow motion. Cocoa pleads with him to stay, but he pushes her away and gets in his car. The car drives away from Vamparagon's parking lot. Cocoa is left stunned and in tears in the driveway, being held by Erik. Mathia is standing around looking rather disappointed that Vamparagon didn't care he took over TR.

*elsewhere*

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine are standing on top of the bar counter in TR Castle. Assembled in the cafeteria are all the workers of TR who hadn't gone on the fishing trip with Ryzaa (Robaldo, Xusha, Cial, Mrsebi, Katherine and ObliviousEffect).

Flaw of Insanity: Where did Erik go? Wasn't he here as well?
Xusha: He left with Cocoa.
Flaw of Insanity: Who?
Xusha: Vamp's girlfriend.
Flaw of Insanity: You mean that thing has a name?
Peregrine: Anyway, so we're all here to discuss how we're going to combat The Gentlemen of Lore.

The castle foundation rocks.

Katherine: I'll make them bleed.
Mrsebi: THAT'S MY GIRL.
Xusha: I could paint some defences.
Peregrine: How do you make paintings come to life, anyway?
Xusha: Well Pere, I'm glad you asked. FOR BEHOLD-

Xusha leaps up onto a nearby table and raises a paint brush into the air.

Xusha: -THE BRUSH OF MAKING PAINTINGS COME TO LIFE.
Cial: Pretty anti-climatic name right there.
Flaw of Insanity: Alright, we can go down to the armoury and everyone who wants to aid in the defence can grab something.
Mrsebi: Wheeee!
Flaw of Insanity: Everyone except Sebi and Katherine.
ObliviousEffect: Fools.

ObliviousEffect walks out of the cafeteria. As he's in the door frame, he inclines his head to regard the group with his back still turned to them.

ObliviousEffect: You never guessed.
Robaldo: What's he on about?

ObliviousEffect whips out a top hat and puts it on.

Robaldo: OH MY GOD.
ObliviousEffect: FYI, I'm a spy.

ObliviousEffect pulls out a detonator from his pocket and clicks the red button. He then leaps out of the room. From underneath the bar counter, Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine can hear a faint beeping.

Flaw of Insanity: EVERYONE GET DOWN.

Everyone jumps through the air in a very dramatic manner as the counter explodes.

WILL ANYONE SURVIVE OBLIVIOUSEFFECT'S BETRAYAL?

WILL VAMPARAGON'S BROKEN HEART EVER MEND?

WILL SEBI EVER STOP BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST?

JOIN US NEXT STORY FOR THE STUNNING CONCLUSION.

To be continued...

by Peregrine on Thu Jun 24, 2010 8:47 pm

A Guide to Characters in The Tales of TR

Leader of TR:

Name: Vamparagon
Role in TR: Emperor
Character Bio:
The leader of TR. Vamparagon is a stylish man fond of apple technology and lunch breaks.

Second-in-Command of TR:

Name: Leafeon
Role in TR: Vamparagon's POKéMON
Character Bio:
Distinctly fabulous.

TR's Board of Directors:

Name: Ragegamer
Role in TR: Head of Being Important
Character Bio:
A very important man who is important. To what? That remains unseen.

Name: Chamberino
Role in TR: Department Head of Odd Smelling Items
Character Bio:
A swindler at heart. Chamberino is more likely to be found cheating you out of points than actually working.

Name: Peregrine
Role in TR: Department Chief of Miscellaneous Accessories
Character Bio:
Vamparagon's rival since they were children. What was his name again? Oh yes, that's right. His name was jerk face.

Peregrine: VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMP.
Vamparagon: kekekekekekekeke
Professor Oak: What?

Name: Xusha
Role in TR: Head of Paint Brushing
Character Bio:
HAIL MOTHERLAND. RUSSIA WILL RISE AGAIN.

Name: mrsebi
Role in TR: Captain of the Gravy Train
Character Bio:
Has a great appreciation for modern art.

Name: Sticky
Role in TR: Director of Taping Things Together.
Character Bio:
A man whose identity of being made out of marshmellow frogzards has recently been thrown into question.

Name: Erik
Role in TR: Head of Keeping Track of the Time
Character Bio:
A man who keeps track of the time. Because no one else can.

Name: Cial
Role in TR: Executive Manager and Creator of TR's Brand of Floss Named "TRFloss"
Character Bio:
Is he even in the story? I don't remember him.

Name: Crystal Lion
Role in TR: Head of Something oh God I don't know
Character Bio:
A showgirl. Why a showgirl works at an office/castle place and is on the board of directors is beyond me.

Name: Charon
Role in TR: Department Chief of Closet Related Items and Part Time Hair Dresser
Character Bio:
The newest addition to the board of directors.

TR's Security Forces:

Name: Ryzaa
Role in TR: Head of Security
Character Bio:
Is commonly asked by Vamp to save him. However, he usually leaves Vamp to fend for himself.

Name: Flaw of Insanity:
Role in TR: Second-in-Command of Security
Character Bio:
A security officer who is very serious about his job.

Name: Weena
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
A guy who messed up big time when he trapped himself and two other people in an elevator with mrsebi.

Name: Security Officer #1
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
N/A

Name: Security Officer #2
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
N/A

TR's Employees:

Name: Shadow
Role in TR: Janitor
Character Bio:
The first person you call when Vamp needs to go.

Name: wwwtoy
Role in TR: Mutant
Character Bio:
A cross between a rabbit and a man. Or was that a bunny and a man? I think it was a bunny and a man.

Name: Dake
Role in TR: Engineering Specialist
Character Bio:
A REAL man.

Name: Icewolfking
Role in TR: Professional Cool Guy
Character Bio:
The main character of this story.

Peregrine: Ice! I leave my computer for three seconds and when I get back you're writing in my new encyclopedia?
Icewolfking: No.
Peregrine: Well then, what are you doing?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

Name: Sepulchure00
Role in TR: Vamparagon's secretary.
Character Bio:
The guy who cancels things on Vamp's sceduale to make room for multiple lunch breaks. Possibly the most important person in TR.

Name: Walt
Role in TR: The Guy Toy Thinks is an All Purpose Everything
Character Bio:
Can usually found being used by Toy. No task too trivial!

Name: Katherine
Role in TR: Sebi's Girlfriend.
Character Bio:
Likes blood. Possibly more than Sebi.

Name: Cocoa
Role in TR: Erik's pregnant wife. Vamparagon's girlfriend.
Character Bio:
A source of much heartbreak.

Name: Robaldo
Role in TR: Bartender.
Character Bio:
Serves only TR ale.

Name: Alderos
Role in TR: Guy who dies a lot.
Character Bio:
Dead.

Name: Wixmagic
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Not happy with his minor character status.

Name: Nagi
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Thoru
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Winnie
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: LightningZStar
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Juliana
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Shadz
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Antagonists:

Name: The Big Bad
Character Bio:
A mysterious person who is somehow connected with both Mathia and Xusha's attempts to take over TR. Has yet to be encountered.

Name: Mathia
Character Bio:
The leader of The Gentlemen of Lore. Constantly tries to destroy TR for an unexplained reason.

Name: InvadersFromDeepSpace
Character Bio:
POKéMON trainer from outer space. The person Vamparagon stole his golden throne from.

Name: ObliviousEffect
Character Bio:
A spy for The Gentlemen of Lore planted in TR.

Other:

Name: MiltFan666
Character Bio:
An exchange worker from The Miltonius Fan Club.

Name: Alligator Gondolier
Character Bio:
An alligator who operates a gondola service in the sewers underneath TR Castle.

Name: Sewage Cleanup Guy
Character Bio:
A Ratchet and Clank reference.

Name: Angel of Grief
Character Bio:
The leader of The Realms.

by Peregrine on Sat Jul 10, 2010 9:29 pm

The scene opens to the entrance to a huge petting zoo. A huge fancy sign nearby reads: "TR Presents: Zard Land". At the entrance, ten people are standing around listening to another man with wavy red hair talk.

Vamparagon: Welcome, my board of directors, to my new petting zoo!
Xusha: Not bad.
Ragegamer: Where did you find the money for all this?
Vamparagon: It came out of Sticky's pay check.
Sticky: Awww man.
Vamparagon: Sticky, I hired you under the pretence that you were made out of marshmallow frogzards. We all know how that turned out.
Sticky: Yeah, it turned out with me getting my head battering rammed into a blast door.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET OBAMA.

The group proceeds inside. Somewhere past the front gate, a trap door opens up and swallows Cial. He is never heard from again.

Cial: WWWHHHHYYYYYY.

Moving on. The group enters the main building in the zoo and gets a tour guide named LightningZStar. LightningZStar leads the group onwards into the zoo. They arrive at the first pen shortly. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Chamberino: Next exhibit?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Crystal Lion: Yeah, really. We've all seen frogzards before.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

Vamparagon is sad, so the group moves on. Eventually, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Erik: Maybe I should have worn sun screen.
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Ragegamer: Are these all going to be frogzards?
LightningZStar: Yeah, pretty much.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

The group moves on. Vamparagon steadily becomes unhappier. Fortunately, LightningZStar came prepared for such an event. He puts the cooler he brought along with him on the ground and opens it. After he does so, an umbrella extends from the cooler and opens. LightningZStar ignores the umbrella and searches the cooler for a cone of ice cream, which he finds wedged in between the beer and Icewolfking.

LightningZStar: Here you are Mr. Paragon, two scoops.
Vamparagon: Yay! :)
Charon: Wait a minute, Ice? What are you doing in there?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

LightningZStar closes the cooler and then the group is off again. Soon, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Peregrine: I'm starting to see a trend here.
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Mrsebi: I WANT TO SEE A TOADZARD.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

The group goes off once again. Soon, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Xusha: Wait a minute, has anyone seen Cial?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Peregrine: This is getting old.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

Once again, the group is off. Many people are looking annoyed. Soon, they come to another pen.

LightningZStar: And this is a rock.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Chamberino: A rock?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Chamberino: Are you serious?
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: Yes Mr. Paragon, you can pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: I said you CAN pet it.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(
LightningZStar: Just go pet it.

Vamparagon jumps the fence. Once he's in, he begins to slowly edge closer to the rock, so as not to alarm it.

Ragegamer: Vamp, it's a rock.
Vamparagon: Shhh, you'll wake it up.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T HOLD BACK ANYMORE. I MUST SHAKE HANDS WITH OBAMA.

Mrsebi jumps into the pen and runs towards the rock. Vamparagon begins to protest. Mrsebi jumps onto the rock. The rock begins to barrel roll out of the pen, with Mrsebi log riding on top of it.

Vamparagon: SEBI.
Mrsebi: GIDDYUP.
LightningZStar: Oh boy.

Mrsebi and the rock crash through the fence. He gives one "YEE-HAH!" before riding off into the sunset.

Vamparagon: This is the worst petting zoo ever.

Suddenly, Flaw of Insanity comes out of the trees. He has the rock under his arm and Mrsebi by the collar.

Flaw of Insanity: Sir.
Vamparagon: Flaw, you truly are the only competent employee in this entire company.
Flaw of Insanity: Thank you sir.

Flaw of Insanity puts the rock down in the pen and drags Mrsebi off to the petting zoo dungeons. Vamparagon begins to pet the rock.

Vamparagon: Yay! :)

The group starts to walk away from the rock pen. Eventually, they turn in the direction of the sun. Peregrine puts on sunglasses. Erik puts on sun screen. From behind a tree, a rock watches Peregrine wear his sunglasses. Watches, and learns.

Crystal Lion: I can't shake the feeling we're being followed.
Chamberino: I bet I have more followers on twitter than any of you.
Sticky: What does that have to do with ANYTHING?
Vamparagon: I have over three hundred followers.
Chamberino: WHAT.
Ragegamer: No way.

During the twitter discussion, the rock has returned, It is now wearing sunglasses like Peregrine is. The group continues. Soon, they arrive at the next pen. Shadow is inside the pen.

LightningZStar: And this is an emo.
Vamparagon: Gross.
Shadow: How much am I getting paid for this, again?
Vamparagon: Ewww, what are those sounds coming out of its mouth?
LightningZStar: That's called angst. He's very emotional, hence the term emo.
Shadow: This is stupider than having to clean up Vamp's... Actually, forget I said anything.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: Yes Mr. Paragon, you can pet it.
Vamparagon: Yay! :)

Vamparagon runs into the pen and begins to pet Shadow on the head.

Sticky: Is it just me, or does Vamp resemble Sebi a little more every day?
Chamberino: He's just having a lot of fun, that's all.

After Vamparagon finishes petting Shadow, the group comes to the end of the tour.

LightningZStar: And that concludes your tour. I hope you all enjoyed it. The gift shop is on the left, and the exit is straight ahead. Have an excellent day.

LightningZStar leaves the nine remaining board of directors members standing in the gift shop to discuss the tour amongst themselves.

Vamparagon: Well? Best petting zoo ever right guys?
Ragegamer: ...
Crystal Lion: ...
Erik: ...
Peregrine: ...
Chamberino: ...
Sticky: ...
Charon: ...
Xusha: ...
Vamparagon: Well?
Xusha: Seriously?
Erik: That. Sucked.
Sticky: Is that it?
Chamberino: What just happened?
Ragegamer: Four frogzards, a rock, and Shadow?
Charon: I think the best part was when Ice said "Chillin'". It was hilarious.
Peregrine: You know, I think Crystal was right about us being followed.

Everyone begins to look around, getting the same feeling. Suddenly, the rock wearing sunglasses bursts out of the foliage and barrel rolls towards Peregrine. Someone screams like a little girl.

Chamberino: Crystal? You alright?
Crystal Lion: It wasn't me.
Ragegamer: Xusha?
Xusha: Nor was it me.
Vamparagon: Sorry. I just got startled is all.

The rock stops at Peregrine's feet.

Peregrine: Uhhh, 'sup?
Rock:
Crystal Lion: It likes you, Pere!
Vamparagon: Alright people, let's give it a name.
Peregrine: What? We're not naming it. It's a rock.
Chamberino: How about something simple? "Peregrine's Rock" is my suggestion.
Vamparagon: Great idea. Peregrine's Rock it is.
Peregrine: But it's not my rock.
Vamparagon: It's just a name, Pere.
Peregrine: That's a worse name than "Security Officer #2".
Vamparagon: At least it's better than "Security Officer #1".
Peregrine: I guess.
Peregrine's Rock:

Everyone but Peregrine laughs.

Peregrine: What?
Xusha: The rock made a funny.
Peregrine: No it didn't. It didn't do anything. Because it's a rock.
Peregrine's Rock:
Vamparagon: Good point, Peregrine's Rock. I SHOULD replace Peregrine on the board of directors with you. Maybe some other time. Right now-

Vamparagon pauses for dramatic effect.

Vamparagon: -it's time to shop at the gift shop!

The group enters the gift shop. They have a total of twelve stuffed frogzards in stock. Vamparagon buys them all.

THE BEST PETTING ZOO EVER
"It's like I was really staring down an emo in the wild," says Vamparagon.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has recently mysteriously raised the funds necessary to complete its latest project that is completely unrelated to the vaguely established purpose of the company: a petting zoo.

In the petting zoo, tourists are led through a dense forest filled with a total of six pens. Four of which have magnificent frogzards, one of which is empty, and one of which has some guy named Shadow in it.

"Don't listen to Vamparagon," says Erik, a director from TR and the man in charge of keeping track of the time for the rest of TR. "It's the stupidest thing TR's done since Vamparagon's underwater Ferris wheel idea. I never got to ride the Ferris wheel, or pet the zards."

"Ignore Erik," says Vamparagon, the emperor of TR. "He just can't appreciate a fine petting zoo."

"At least that rock stopped following me around," says Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories. "Yes, that's right. A rock was following me around. No, I'm not crazy. This is just what I get for hanging out with Vamparagon."

"I think I like the frogzards the best," says a little girl. "The emo scares me."

"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."

The end.

by Peregrine on Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:31 pm

SECRET ENDING.

Vamparagon walks into the conference room the next day. The only other person who is in the conference is Peregrine, who was still asleep from the last meeting. Vamparagon shakes Peregrine awake.

Peregrine: Five more minutes.
Vamparagon: Stop sleeping on the job.
Peregrine: It's not like we even do anything around here.
Vamparagon: By the way, did you want to ask me something earlier?
Peregrine: Oh, yeah. What did you do with those stuffed zards?
Vamparagon: I gave them to a good cause.
Peregrine: Charity?
Vamparagon: Even better. I gave them to Ryzaa so he could start training an elite security team squadron of zard riders.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa: ROUND 'EM UP.

Ryzaa is riding around outside of TR Castle on a stuffed frogzard, waving a lasso around his head. Mrsebi is running around trying to dodge the lasso. Eventually, Ryzaa captures Mrsebi with the lasso.

Ryzaa: GOTCHA. WILD SEBI WAS CAUGHT.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.

Ryzaa cracks a smile and rides off into the sunset on his stuffed zard, towing Mrsebi behind him.

The end.

by Peregrine on Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:09 am

Flaw of Insanity: EVERYONE GET DOWN.

Everyone jumps through the air in a very dramatic manner as the counter explodes. A small circular area of the counter splinters, and the splinters fly everywhere in an explosiony like manner. From the circle in the counter, up rises a bomb. The bomb lights up and starts scanning the room.

Flaw of Insanity: Oh my God, it's a CIAL SEEKING BOMB.
Cial: Haha, well, good thing there's no one here by THAT name, eh bomb?

The bomb starts to rotate itself to view Cial.

Xusha: It knows, Cial.
Cial: *censored*

Cial starts running around the bar being chased by the bomb. The TR members whose lives aren't being threatened start shouting advice to him.

Flaw of Insanity: Dive under the table!
Peregrine: Do a barrel roll!
Robaldo: Drink a TR ale!
Mrsebi: CIAL, DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'.
Katherine: Bleed!
Xusha: Buy one of my paintings! They're cheaper before you die!

Everyone looks at Xusha quizzically.

Xusha: That is how it works right? Cial dies and my paintings become more expensive?
Peregrine: No. You die and your paintings become more expensive.
Xusha: I already died when the moon crashed into the castle.
Peregrine: You have to stay dead.
Xusha: ...How am I supposed to make any money as a painter?
Peregrine: That's the thing Xusha. You aren't.
Cial: SHUT UP AND SAVE ME.

Cial races towards the bar exit. ObliviousEffect is still standing there blocking his way.

ObliviousEffect: Wait, what are you-
Cial: I'LL NEVER LET A GENTLEMAN OF LORE WRITE ME OUT OF THE SCRIPT. NEVER.

Cial dives between ObliviousEffect's legs. Because of a late reaction time on his part, ObliviousEffect doesn't get his legs closed until after Cial's deft manoeuvre. By the time he does, it's too late. The Cial seeking bomb collides with his legs, explodes, and sends him flying through the air with a stunned look on his face. Midair, his top hat falls off.

Flaw of Insanity: Target lined up. Taking the shot.

Flaw of Insanity lets loose three shots from his security issue pistol, which hit ObliviousEffect in midair. He falls to the ground, convulses once, and then is very still.

Flaw of Insanity: That's how we did things back in THE WAR.
Xusha: You fought in a war?
Flaw of Insanity: It was a long time ago...

*flashback*

Sergeant Ryzaa, Private Weena, Private #1, Private #2 and myself, Lieutenant Insanity were just getting back from an extremely important reconnaissance mission. We had been called to General Vamparagon's office. Apparently, the man at the top wanted to debrief us himself. When we arrived in General Vamparagon's office, he was in a heated debate with an insubordinate Major by the name of Mrsebi. When I came in, he looked at me and said this:

General Vamparagon: Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

I grabbed Major Mrsebi by the cuff of his uniform and dragged him to the brig, where I locked him up good.

*/flashback*

Flaw of Insanity: I remember it like it was yesterday. How could I not? After all, we lost a lot of good men out there.
Peregrine: Hmmm... Actually, I think that did happen yesterday.
Flaw of Insanity: A LOT of good men.

A ballista bolt shatters the wall and drives itself into the floor. There is now a gaping hole in the wall where the ballista bolt came through.

Peregrine: Initiate escape plan Delta Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zed? You mean Zee.
Peregrine: No, I mean Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Cial: LOOK UP IN THE SKY.

All eyes turn to a speck in the sky that Cial is pointing at.

Katherine: It's blood!
Xusha: Looks more like a plane to me.
Mrsebi: OH MY GOD IT'S BRAMMAN.
Bram: IT'S TRUE. I AM BRAMMAN. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER. YOU MAY CALL ME BRAM FOR SHORT.
Robaldo: Oh. Good.
Bram: I'M HERE BECAUSE I HEARD A DISTRESS CALL FROM A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.
Peregrine: That was just Cial.
Cial: There was a Cial seeking bomb situation we just diffused.
Bram: Oh.

*pause*

Bram: I'm going to rescue these damsels anyway, k?
Mrsebi: BRAMMAN SAVES THE DAY.

Bramman picks up Katherine and Xusha and flies off somewhere. Mrsebi starts clapping.

Mrsebi: HOORAY FOR BRAMMAN!
Cial: Is he going to come back for us?
Peregrine: I don't think he is.
Mrsebi: =)

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon drives aimlessly through the country side. He is struggling with a great pain in his heart.

Vamparagon: Actually, I'm over it already.

There is a gaping hole where his emotion used to be, and the gashes from Cocoa's words have left him-

Vamparagon: No seriously, I'm good.

-just for cutting me off twice in a row, you're going to run out of gas.

Vamparagon: Don't be a jerk.

Vamparagon's car sputters once, before his engine dies completely.

Vamparagon: Narrator, you are so fired.

Ahem. Vamparagon finds a nearby farm and knocks on the door. A heavily stereotyped person from the Southern United States answers.

Vamparagon: Greetings.
Phoebus: Well if it aren’t a fancee pantsed city boy. What can I be doing for you today son?
Vamparagon: I'm the emperor of TR, and I need a ride back to town.
Phoebus: If that be true, then yousa gonna have to help me with the harvest.
Vamparagon: Can I drive the tractor?
Phoebus: What we need to be doing is collecting dem toma-toe katchup packety thingys people done gone and thrown out to feed on during the long hard winter.
Vamparagon: Why don't I just buy you some ketchup packets?
Phoebus: You have that kinda money?
Vamparagon: Yes.
Phoebus: Well waddya know, you was telling the truth about being an emprah. Alright then, I'll give you a drive to town in the old truck. I warn you though, she's a speed demon!
Vamparagon: The faster, the better.
Phoebus: Yep, I done gone and bought dem tires I seen on the tele-vision and now she and I can finally drive fidy-five.
Vamparagon: ...Fifty-five?
Phoebus: That's right.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity, Peregrine, Robaldo, Cial and Mrsebi are hiding behind the bar counter. The hole in the wall is filled by a helicopter that is firing bullets at them.

Flaw of Insanity: Someone's got to go out there and take out that copter.

Everyone looks at Cial.

Cial: What?
Peregrine: We've got a volunteer!
Flaw of Insanity: Here Cial, take my sidearm. We'll cover you.
Cial: But I didn't volunteer!

Flaw of Insanity and Robaldo pick Cial up and throw him over the counter.

Flaw of Insanity: What a brave soldier.

Cial scrambles away. The helicopter tries to shoot him, but misses.

Robaldo: What a coward. Let me show you how it's done.

Robaldo picks a bottle of TR ale up off the floor that had been knocked off by bullets and throws it at the helicopter. The ale splatters all over the windshield, causing the pilot to be started and move the controls over to the right. The helicopter impacts with TR Castle and goes cascading down, but instead of hitting the ground, explodes in a Hollywood manner.

Flaw of Insanity: I haven't seen a throw like that since the war.
Mrsebi: WHY DON'T YOU EVER PASS TO ME?

All four heads in the room turn to regard a disturbance whose sounds are being carried in the wind from one of the floors above them.

???: Hey, I'm trying to do serious work here.
Peregrine: Someone actually doing work? In MY TR?

There is a scream, and then Sparda falls through the air.

Robaldo: He always did want to be included in canon.
Flaw of Insanity: You know what this means, men?
Mrsebi: IT MEANS THAT JEANS R US IS HAVING A TWO FOR ONE SALE ON JEANS.
Flaw of Insanity: No, it means that TGL has invaded TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa's fishing expedition sees smoke in the distance as they make their way to TR Castle. Ryzaa takes a team consisting of himself, Weena, Ragegamer and Security Officer #1 to the front door to meet with their antagonists. Security Officer #2 covers the meeting from a vantage point with a sniper rifle.

Mathia: HELLO.
Ragegamer: What's going on here?
Mathia: I'M GETTING REVENGE ON VAMP.
Weena: Why would you want to do that?
Mathia: VAMP MADE FUN OF MY PC.
Security Officer #1: Come to think of it, Vamp once made fun of my PC.
Weena: I almost had to pay for Vamp's bar tab.
Ragegamer: Vamp once threw me off a gas balloon, and didn't try to help me at all.
Ryzaa: Vamp took money for a date between Cocoa and himself out of my pay check.
Mathia: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Ragegamer: ...Can we actually help you get revenge on Vamp?
Weena: Yeah, we want to help.
Security Officer #1: Screw TR.
Ryzaa: I'm determined to build a better future so that my children might enjoy fishing.
Mathia: OH.... UHHH... Yeah I guess you guys can help.
Ragegamer: Alright, let's get started.

*meanwhile*

Phoebus: YEEE-HAH! ALMOST THERE!

Phoebus's little green truck rumbles along off-road right next to the highway. Vamparagon is bouncing around in his seat due to a lack of seatbelts. According to Phoebus, he had taken the seat belts out to build a towel. TR Castle loomed in the distance. The sky was beginning to grow dark from the smoke emanating from the burning castle.

Phoebus: So mister Paragon, still holding your lunch city boy? YEEE-HAH!
Vamparagon: I hate you.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity, Peregrine, Robaldo and Mrsebi make their way through TR Castle's hallways, evading TGL patrols. They stop after running into three of their coworkers.

Weena: 'sup?
Flaw of Insanity: Hey Weena. Fishing trip is over then I take it?
Weena: Yeah. Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2 and myself here were just, you know, NOT looking to capture you four for Mathia. Who is NOT the new leader of TR who we willingly accepted.
Flaw of Insanity: Oh.

...

Flaw of Insanity: So, how was the fishing?
Weena: WHARRGARBL.

Weena lets loose his war cry and jumps onto Flaw of Insanity's back.

Weena: GREET THE NEW DAWN, BROTHER.
Flaw of Insanity: WEENA. HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME?

Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 shoot tranquilizer darts, which hit both Robaldo and Mrsebi. Peregrine ducks into an office. Security Officer #2 goes after him. Security Officer #2 sees movement and almost shoots, but stops when he realizes that it wasn't Peregrine he was seeing.

Security Officer #2: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Oh shoot, I wasn't prepared for this. Give me a second.

Icewolfking takes out a spray can labelled "Insta-Cool" and sprays a circle on the floor. The liquid from the spray can hardens immediately, forming a small circular patch of ice. Icewolfking props up his umbrella, and then walks over to a nearby vending machine. After inserting a coin, a can of lemonade is dispensed. Icewolfking takes the lemonade, walks back to the circular patch of ice, lies down, kicks back, cracks and a smile and finally explains himself to Security Officer #2.

Icewolfking: Chillin'.

In that moment, Peregrine hits Security Officer #2 over the head with a printer.

Peregrine: FEEL THE WRATH OF MY HP TECHNOLOGY.
Icewolfking: Whoa, careful dude. Sebi uses that to make himself breakfast.

Peregrine sneaks out of the room and looks around. Weena is lying unconscious on the floor. There is a note on top of his body that Peregrine reads.

"Pere,

BRB, fighting the forces of evil.

-Flaw"

Peregrine looks around. The corridors of TR Castle, despite being brightly lit, seem eerie as he stands there all alone.

Peregrine: I need a Scooby snack.

*meanwhile*

Dusk is falling fast. Vamparagon and Phoebus are hiding behind a boulder near TR Castle. From there, they can make out TR security officers and Gentlemen of Lore members working together to take TR Castle.

Vamparagon: I'm so firing them.
Phoebus: So what's da plan to be gettin in?
Vamparagon: It's quite easy really.

Vamparagon takes out his iPhone and turns it on.

Phoebus: Whoa, is dat onna dem magical talk boxes?
Vamparagon: Yes Phoebus, it is a magical talk box.
Phoebus: Oh man. Dem things be craaaazy.
Vamparagon: Fortunately, I downloaded the "Teleport into TR Castle" application this morning from the iTunes store.

There is a moment of silence.

Phoebus: So whaddid you need me fer again?
Vamparagon: In hindsight, nothing.

Vamparagon uses his iPhone app to teleport into TR castle. When he appears, he is right next to Peregrine.

Peregrine: Vamp, where have you been?
Vamparagon: It's a long story. What's the situation?
Peregrine: Well, Mathia sort of took over TR.
Vamparagon: Is there ANYONE who has decided to go all Rambo and take some names?
Peregrine: Not that I know of.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity: It's over, Mathia.

Flaw of Insanity has cornered Mathia atop the roof of TR Castle. He is pointing two security issue pistols at Mathia. Mathia is standing on the edge of the castle. It is very windy.

Mathia: YOU MAY HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED ALL MY FORCES, BUT CAN YOU DEFEAT YOUR OWN?
Flaw of Insanity: Forces? I don't need forces. I'm a one man army.

Flaw of Insanity's eyes widen as he realizes what Mathia meant. He spins around as fast as he can and pulls the trigger of his gun. Two gun shots are fired. Flaw of Insanity falls down with a bullet wound in his chest. Flaw of Insanity's shot hits the leg of the man who had crept up behind him: Ryzaa.

Mathia: VICTORY IS MI-WWAAAAAHHH!

A ghost of wind knocks Mathia off the roof. He falls down to a window ledge, and rolls through the window, falling into TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: That's a shame, I was hoping there would be some sort of epic showdown going down right now.

Suddenly, Mathia bursts into the room Peregrine and Vamparagon are in through the nearby window.

Mathia: Stupid TR Cas- VAMPARAGON?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.
Vamparagon: I bought an iPhone application that can teleport me into TR Castle.

Peregrine groans.

Peregrine: Why do we even have security forces when it's so easy to get in?
Mathia: iPhone? Really? You always seemed like more of a blackberry guy.
Vamparagon: Yeah, I have an iPhone.

Mathia laughs.

Mathia: But I bet you don't have-

Mathia pulls out his own iPhone.

Mathia: AN IPHONE 3GS!
Vamparagon: You're right, but only because-

Vamparagon pulls out his iPhone.

Vamparagon: I HAVE AN IPHONE 4G.

Mathia lets out a scream that pierces the heavens.

Mathia: CURSE YOU VAMPARAGON. I WILL RETURN SOME DAY.

Mathia leaps out the window and plummets to the ground.

Vamparagon: See Pere? This is why it's important to have a great appreciation for Apple software. So you can defeat Mathia.

On the floor beside them, Weena groans.

Peregrine: Oh boy. Vamp, Weena's on their side. We need to trick him.
Vamparagon: We need to disguise ourselves as other members of TR. I'll be Pere.
Peregrine: Good idea. I'll be Vamp.

Weena wakes up and looks around.

Weena: Pere? Vamp? You're both under arres-
Vamparagon: That's where you're wrong. We are not Pere and Vamp.
Peregrine: That is correct. We are in fact Vamp and Pere.
Vamparagon: Yes.
Weena: ...
Vamparagon: See? I'm Peregrine. LOL WHAT'S A FOCAL POINT?
Peregrine: Yeah, well I HAVE NO SOFTWARE COMPATABILITY ON MY MAC.
Vamparagon: I'M RUSSIAN. XUSHA AND I GET ALONG GREAT.
Peregrine: I'M STILL NOT POTTY TRAINED.
Vamparagon: I EAT CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY.
Peregrine: MY COMPANY IS CALLED TR, BUT IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING. THOSE ARE JUST THE ONLY TWO LETTERS I KNOW.
Vamparagon: SUNGLASSES ARE COOL. WEARING THEM AT NIGHT MAKES ME LOOK EDGY.
Peregrine: I'M LESS FABULOUS THAN PEREGRINE.
Vamparagon: I'M LESS FABULOUS THAN VAMPARAGON.
Peregrine: HERPA DERPA.
Vamparagon: DURRR HURRR.

*later*

Vamparagon and Peregrine are thrown into a cell with Cial, wwwtoy and Walt. The iron bars close shut behind them.

Vamparagon: I can't believe that didn't work.
Peregrine: Yeah, our acting was great.
Cial: Hey guys.
Vamparagon: Wha- Cial?! Oh no. Oh no no no no no. This can't be happening. I... I'm...

Vamparagon screams at the top of his lungs.

Vamparagon: I'M BEING WRITTEN OUT OF THE SCRIPT?!

*meanwhile, where the main characters are*

Cocoa is greeting TR's board of directors. With Ryzaa being treated and Vamparagon dethroned, Ragegamer has assumed command of TR. Erik is translating what Cocoa says so Ragegamer understands.

Cocoa: Wrwrwr.
Erik: "Yo yo yo."
Cocoa: Grawr rarwr rawrrr.
Erik: "I be rolling in."
Cocoa: Graaawrr war rarrrwr.
Erik: "With mah grillz."
Cocoa: Grawr rawr rraaawr.
Erik: "And I be pimpin."
Cocoa; Wr.
Erik: "Yo."
Ragegamer: Since you were the mastermind behind Mathia's successful takeover of TR, I guess I can adhere to your demands.

The group comprised of Cocoa, Erik, Ragegamer, Chamberino, Sticky, Crystal Lion and Charon head into TR castle and enter the conference room. Cocoa moves to the far end of the table that is opposite the door. As she sits upon Vamparagon's golden throne, the members of the board of directors bow.

Behold, Cocoa, the new emperor of TR, and the breaker of hearts.

*meanwhile, where the minor characters are*

Vamparagon: This sucks.
Peregrine: Why are Toy and Walt here?
wwwtoy: I teleported here with my iPhone app, but I ended up in the dungeons with Cial.
Vamparagon: Oh, I have that same app. What model of iPhone do you have?
wwwtoy: Hmmm... Good question. Walt, what model are you?
Walt: 4G.
wwwtoy: He's a 4G.
Vamparagon: Awww yeah, my iPhone is a 4G as well.

Peregrine notes the skeleton in the prison cell of someone Vamparagon forgot about.

Peregrine: That reminds me. Vamp, I've been meaning to ask you. Who was that?
Vamparagon: Hmm.. Good question. Maybe Bert?
Cial: I always thought it was Deathclaws.
wwwtoy: Could be Dai.
Walt: Nammie?
???: You're all wrong.

Everyone gasps as a green figure appears. The figure resembles the member of the TR board of directors known as-

Vamparagon, Cial, wwwtoy, Walt and Peregrine: Kaotic!
Kaotic: Vamp, we were partners. How could you leave me to die?
Cial: OH MY GOD IT'S KAOTIC'S GHOST.
Vamparagon: Kaotic, you'd be surprised at how simple it was.
Kaotic: I'm not a ghost, Cial. I uploaded myself onto the main TR computer mainframe.
Peregrine: So if we were to bring your body back, you could download yourself onto that?
Kaotic: I guess.
Vamparagon: Kao, if you're in the mainframe, can you control any systems?
Kaotic: Yeah, all of them.
Vamparagon: Alright Kao, tell you what. Kill the power, and I promise to tell Peregrine to bring you back to life.

Kaotic's eyes close as he concentrates on shutting down TR Castle's power.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa weakly opens his eyes. He finds himself in TR Castle's infirmary. The windows all show a starless night, but the florescent lights overhead allow him to see. Doctor Draktand is looking over an unmoving figure in the bed across from him.

Ryzaa: How's he doing?

Draktand shrugs.

Draktand: Your bullet didn't graze anything important. He lost a lot of blood before we got him here, though. If only this castle weren't so big.
Ryzaa: Will he make it?
Draktand: It's going to be pretty touch and go from here.

Ryzaa sighs, nods and begins staring up at the ceiling.

He continues staring even after the lights go out.

To be continued...

by Peregrine on Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:49 am

It is pitch black in the dungeons of TR Castle when Peregrine, Vamparagon, Cial, wwwtoy and Walt make their escape. The only light comes from Kaotic's glowing green figure. He slides along the floor, an eerie reminder that they were in the presence of a dead man.

Cial: Come on guys, I know a way out that won’t be guarded.

The group proceeds to the elevator, and goes up onto the roof. Once on the roof, they notice a stage has been set up. Stage lights shine on it, illuminating it in the dark of night.

Vamparagon: How long has this been there?
Cial: I guess someone put it there while I was being written out of the script.
Peregrine: How do we use this to our advantage?
Cial: We need to make a play.
wwwtoy: Then call me DIRECTOR TOY.

*scene I*

Director Toy: Alright, scene I folks. Peregrine and Cial are in hot pursuit of Princess Vamparagon who has been captured by Tic, the head of the terrorist organization known as Khaos. You must battle his henchman and rescue the princess!
Cial: Henchman? Do you mean Walt?
Director Toy: He's a stunt double. Now make it look real.

Cial and Peregrine look at Walt.

Director Toy: Make it look real people!

Walt has the snot beaten out of him.

Peregrine: I thought we were supposed to beat him up.
Director Toy: STOP INTERRUPTING MY CAMEO.
Walt: Please help me.

*scene II*

Director Toy: Alright, scene II people. Cial and Peregrine have defeated the evil Walt and are now back on Tic's trail, but are interrupted by rush hour traffic traffic. Action!

Peregrine and Cial chase Kaotic and Vamparagon around the stage in bumper cars. Director Toy throws Walt in front of Kaotic's bumper car, and Kaotic ends up running over him.

Walt: Ow.

*scene III*

Director Toy: Beautiful, beautiful. Next, Kaotic is out of gas and Cial and Peregrine must defeat him!
Cial: How do we beat up a hologram?
Director Toy: You don't. Stunt double!

Kaotic walks off the stage. Walt is pushed onto it.

Director Toy: Action!

Cial and Peregrine push Walt onto the ground.

Walt: Sometimes I don't think you guys like me very much.

Walt is dragged off the stage by Director Toy. Kaotic walks back on.

Kaotic: You may have defeated me, but you can defeat Vampasaurus?

*scene IV*

Director Toy: Alright, this is it. Cial piloting this giant mecha will now engage Vampasaurus! Annnnd... Action!
Cial: What giant mecha?

Suddenly, Walt is fired out of a cannon.

Walt: I'm flying.

Everyone watches and Walt flies over the edge of TR Castle and keeps going.

*scene V*

Director Toy: Alright, Cial and Peregrine have now rescued Princess Vamparagon. Action!
Peregrine: Vamp, why are you wearing a dress?
Princess Vamparagon: Because I'm a princess.
Peregrine: You do realize this is just a play?
Princess Vamparagon: IT'S CALLED GETTING IN CHARACTER.
Cial: So are we done yet?
Princess Vamparagon: I still need to give my rescuers a kiss.
Cial: Not it.
Peregrine: Not it.
Kaotic: Not it.
Princess Vamparagon: COME HERE TOY.
Director Toy: CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUUT!

*meanwhile*

Walt hits the ground near TR Castle. A group of people go and shine lights on him to see who he is.

Weena: Just what is going on up there on the roof?
Cocoa: Grawrrwr rarawr rawr.
Erik: "As acting head of security, I want you to take a team and find out."
Weena: Yes ma'am. Security Officers numbered 1 through 7, with me.
Security Officer #1: Wait what, 1 through 7?
Weena: We got some new recruits.
Security Officer #3: Hey guys.
Security Officer #7: I'm new here.
Security Officer #6: What do we usually do for lunch?
Security Officer #2: Okay, no. We were here first you guys.
Security Officer #4: That's just too bad.
Security Officer #5: Yeah, we're moving in.
Weena: You know what? I'm just going to go by myself.

*meanwhile*

The people on the roof are startled as the roof begins to come apart. The two halves of the stage slide apart. From below, up slides the barrel of a very large gun. Listening closely, the group can hear the raving of TR's local engineer.

Dake: It is complete! The weapon Cocoa ordered has been finished! Now I'll set it to go off at midnight tonight, and everyone will be turned into zards! Muahahahahaha!
Ragegamer: Excellent work Dake, I will inform the empress of your success.

The people on the roof look at each other in fear.

Peregrine: We've got to stop that thing from going off.
Kaotic: I've contacted the nearest TR member. They should be there shortly.

From below, the sound of toilet paper rolls and eggs hitting the weapon can be heard.

Ragegamer: Knock it off, Hunter.
Hunter Reckoning: Fine.
Peregrine: Way to go, Kao.

Suddenly, the elevator arrives at the roof and dings. Weena steps out.

Weena: Everyone, step away from the stage and put your hands on your heads in the name of our glorious empress Coc-

Weena stops as he has a bucket of water dumped on his head. He is then beaten senseless by a broom stick from behind.

Shadow: YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO CLEAN IN THE DARK? HOW ABOUT TURNING ON THE LIGHTS BEFORE TELLING ME VAMP USED A BATHROOM?
Vamparagon: I wish I could remember doing that.
Peregrine: Shadow, Cocoa is trying to turn is into zards.
Shadow: Of course she is. Did I tell Ry she was nothing but trouble? Yes. Did he listen? No. People never listen to the janitor.
Peregrine: Kao, how much time do we have before that weapons goes off.
Kaotic: There are currently fifty minutes to midnight.
wwwtoy: Then we have work to do.
Cial: Let's save the world.
Vamparagon: I already did that.

Everyone laughs.

Vamparagon: No, seriously.
Kaotic: Shouldn't we save jokes until after we save the world?
Peregrine: Priorities, Kao.

*meanwhile*

Erik rushes Cocoa into the infirmary where Draktand, Ryzaa and the unconscious Flaw of Insanity are.

Erik: HER WATER BROKE.
Draktand: Get her on that bed and comfort her. Ry, I'm going to need some assistance.
Ryzaa: What do I do?
Draktand: Catch.
Ryzaa: WHAT.

*meanwhile*

Mrsebi and Robaldo wake up in a prison cell.

Robaldo: Dang... How long were we out for?
Mrsebi: I'M GOING TO SNEEZE.
Robaldo: I can't believe they locked me up here with you.

Mrsebi sneezes. Something purple, solid and circular comes out of his nose. He tries to sniff it back in.

Robaldo: Hold on a second Sebi...

Robaldo grabs onto the purple, solid and circular thing and yanks. A crayon comes out of Sebi's nose.

Mrsebi: Oh, thank you.
Robaldo: No way! You just made sense!
Mrsebi: I should certainly hope that I make sense. You don't become the leader of as prestigious of an organization as Mensa by talking gibberish.
Robaldo: Wha... How high is your IQ?
Mrsebi: Two thousand one hundred and fifty eight.
Robaldo: Wha... Wha...
Mrsebi: Now then, if you'll excuse me I'm going to address the conundrum at hand. As it is plainly obvious to seem, our place of work has been taken over by hostile forces, and as two of the few remaining people who can do anything, it's up to us to ensure the success of any pockets of resistance.
Robaldo: Well, I uh...

Mrsebi breaks the clay mug at the table in the cell. He then picks up a brick and begins to craft a computer out of the brick using pieces of the mug as chisels. Eventually, he finishes and sets the new computer brick down to admire his handiwork. He then uses a piece of bread from his meal to power the machine.

Mrsebi: Give me your shoelace.
Robaldo: What do you need it for?
Mrsebi: You expect me to build a computer out of brick without a shoelace? Why don't I just go right ahead and build an iPod out of paper without a blender for crying out loud.
Robaldo: Fine, fine.

Robaldo gives Mrsebi his shoelace. Mrsebi puts the finishing touches on his machine before stepping back to admire his handiwork.

Mrsebi: Now then, after carefully analyzing potential escape routes for anyone in the other prison cells, I have concluded that they would make it to the roof-
Robaldo: Wait, how would they escape?
Mrsebi: Please my friend, it's very simple. Kaotic will have revealed that he uploaded himself to the TR computer mainframe before he passed away in one of these cells. He has control over all the systems, and was likely bribed by Vamparagon to release them.
Robaldo: Wait, how do you know Vamparagon would have been in there?
Mrsebi: Rob, why don't you just let me work.
Robaldo: Fine.
Mrsebi: Now then, where was I. I have concluded that they will make it to the roof, then head down to the roof where Dake is building a weapon that will turn us all into frogzards-
Robaldo: What?
Mrsebi: Rob.
Robaldo: Sorry.
Mrsebi: -but will then meet up with Dake. Dake will proceed to get a tank, while Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial and wwwtoy will create a distraction, which means I have to turn on all the lights in the areas in which my mind has calculated they will be in order for them to succeed.
Robaldo: Sebi.
Mrsebi: What is it now?
Robaldo: How much is 78 + 41?
Mrsebi: 119.

*meanwhile*

Shadow: Sure is dark in here.

There is an "oomph" from the darkness as Shadow bumps into someone.

Dake: Watch it, man.
Peregrine: Dake, what are you doing?
Dake: My job.
Peregrine: You realize that machine you built is going to turn us all into frogzards, right?
Dake: OH MY GOD. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
Cial: Can we blow it up?
Dake: Yes, but we'll need something with a lot of firepower. Like a tank.
Cial: Right. Dake, go get a tank. We'll create a distraction by going to the stables and getting some stuffed frogzards to cause trouble with.
Dake: Sure, but the lights are off.

Suddenly, all of the lights in the hallways leading to the tanks and the stables turn on.

Dake: Huh.
Peregrine: No time to lose. Kao, go with him in case he needs your help hacking into something.
Kaotic: Right.
Cial: Let's go people.

Dake and Kaotic head off to go steal a tank with which they will destroy Dake's new invention. Vamparagon, Peregrine, Cial, Shadow and wwwtoy head off to find some stuffed frogzards to ride into battle on.

Vamparagon: I don't know what is going on but I do like frogzards.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa's eyes are closed as the baby zard flies into his hands.

Ryzaa: Oh God oh God oh God.

Doctor Draktand takes the zard from him and cleans it up a bit.

Draktand: Congratulations, it's a zard.
Erik: Oh my goodness.

Ryzaa cracks an eye open to view the zard. It is entirely red, and has human hair. Red human hair. Wavy red human hair.

Ryzaa: That looks like Vamp's hair.
Erik: WHAT.
Draktand: Yeah, it does.

Erik begins to cry.

Erik: I should have known... I just didn't want to believe it...

Erik begins to wail and runs out of the room.

Cocoa: Grawrr grearw grawrrrr.
Baby Zard: Rawr!
Draktand: Awww, he's so adorable.

Ryzaa quietly slips away while Cocoa and Draktand are distracted.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow and Cial enter the frogzard stables while wwwtoy runs up to the top of the castle tower they are currently in.

Xusha: Am I ever glad to see you guys.
Vamparagon: Oh hey Xusha. How are you today?
Cial: How long have you been hiding in here?
Xusha: It's not just me.

Xusha gestures with her hand. Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Alderos, Wixmagic, Thoru, and Shadz come out of the darkness.

Shadow: Holy crap, it's me.
Shadz: No, it's not.
Shadow: I disagreed with myself? It must be me.
Wixmagic: Are we gonna save the day, guys?
Vamparagon: Alright people, here's the plan. There are a total of eleven stuffed frogzards in this stable. We're going to ride out into battle with them while Toy blows the horn of TR, whilst making Lord of the Rings references.
Thoru: I can do that.

Vamparagon: Where is the horse and rider?

People begin to don chainmail armour that is lying around.

Vamparagon: Where is the horn that was blowing?

Shields, swords, spears and bows are distributed among those gathered.

Vamparagon: They have passed like rain on the mountain.

Icewolfking ties an umbrella to his zard's saddle so it will cover him.

Vamparagon: Like wind in the meadow.

People begin to mount their zards. Icewolfking cracks open a fresh can of lemonade.

Vamparagon: The days have gone down in the West.

Everyone is now prepared to go. They begin to position their zards to face the stable wall.

Vamparagon: Behind the hills, into Shadow.
Shadow: What about me?
Shadz: No Shadow, he me-
Shadow: Oh, right. Sorry. What about us?
Vamparagon: How has it come to this?

The horn of TR blows. The riders charge. Ice chills.

*on the other side of the wall*

Security Officer #7: Look, you guys aren't the boss of us.
Security Officer #2: Yeah? Well at least we aren't cannibals.
Security Officer #5: He's got a point there, Security Officer #7.
Security Officer #7: Just what is that supposed to mean?
Security Officer #1: It means you ate Security Officer #9.
Security Officer #3: Listen buddy, Security Officer #7 just did what he had to do to survive.
Security Officer #6: It's not like anyone actually liked Security Officer #9 anyway.
Security Officer #4: I kind of liked Security Officer #9.
Security Officer #7: Shut up Security Officer #4.

Suddenly, the wall explodes. The flying bricks knock out the generic security officers. The eleven zard riders charge into battle. Walt, who was still lying on the ground, is trampled.

Walt: I need to consider a new line of work.

The group engages what's left of the coalition between the Gentlemen of Lore and the TR security forces. One Gentlemen of Lore member tries to take Ice down.

Gentlemen of Lore Member: I say chap, looks like I'm going to kill you, wot.

Ice calmly takes a swig of lemonade, and then spits it out onto the Gentlemen of Lore member.

Gentlemen of Lore Member: MY DRY CLEANING, WOT.

The Gentlemen of Lore member convulses and collapses.

Xusha: A RIVER OF BLOOD. THE COLOUR OF RUSSIA.
Vamparagon: Stop being so Russian.
Xusha: No.
Vamparagon: Okay then.

The doors to TR Castle suddenly burst open. Weena stands in the doorframe with a security issue assault rifle tucked under his arm.

Weena: I'LL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MY HAIR, SHADOW.

Weena shoots a nearby gentleman of lore.

Weena: ARGH, I MISSED.

Weena shoots again. This time he hits a rebel TR security officer.

Weena: I MISSED AGAIN.
Wixmagic: Look everyone, Weena's on our side!
Vamparagon: Yay!
Weena: I HATE YOU PEOPLE.

*cue Duke Nukem sound track music*

Suddenly, a gas balloon descends from the sky. A man leaps out of it in midair and lands on his feat. He is wearing full Kevlar body armour and has a prototype weapon Dake was working on over his shoulder. A chain gun that shoots flaming bullets that explode.

Flaw of Insanity: HOPE I'M NOT CRASHING THE PARTY.

Flaw of Insanity pulls out a detonator and pushes down on it. The gas balloon explodes, raining fire down upon the Gentlemen of Lore and rebel TR security forces.

Flaw of Insanity: Good to see we're on the same side, Weena.

Weena gets angry, presses the barrel of his assault rifle to Flaw of Insanity's chest, and pulls the trigger. The bullet bounces off his chest and hits a Gentlemen of Lore member.

Flaw of Insanity: Whoa, nice shot.
Weena: ARGH.

Weena drops his assault rifle and storms off in a huff.

Flaw of Insanity: Some people just can't take a compliment.

Someone moves up besides Flaw of Insanity and picks up Weena's discarded assault rifle. Flaw of Insanity looks over to see who it is.

Alligator Gondolier: Alright, WHO WANTS SOME?
Flaw of Insanity: AWWW YEAH.

*meanwhile*

Dake: The tank barracks are totally empty. It looks like the others managed to distract everyone.

Dake and Kaotic manage to find a tank.

Dake: Kao, time check.
Kaotic: There are three minutes to midnight.
Dake: So we need to find a shortcut to get to the weapon. Alright.

Dake climbs aboard the tank. He then drives through walls until arriving in the room where his weapon is.

Kaotic: One minute to midnight!

Dake pulls the trigger to fire a rocket at the weapon. Nothing happens.

Dake: Blast it, this tank is outta ammo. Whose responsibility is making sure these things are loaded?
Kaotic: I think it's yours.

Dake clambers out of the tank and begins to rush towards the weapon's control console.

Kaotic: Ten seconds to midnight!

Dake begins to click buttons.

Kaotic: Three seconds to midnight! Two! One! Z-
Female Voice: Override code accepted. Weapon activation cancelled. Weapon disarmed. Have a nice day.
Dake: Whew, that was a close one.
Kaotic: What did you do?
Dake: I turned it off.

There is a moment of silence.

Kaotic: Why didn't you just do that to begin with?
Dake: Because this way I got to drive a tank.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial, Xusha, Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Wixmagic, Thoru, Shadz, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier are surrounded by gentlemen of lore and rebel TR security forces. Alderos has been killed.

Vamparagon: It was an accident. No one's fault.

Suddenly, there is a commotion from TR's front entrance. Cocoa steps out of the castle, with Doctor Draktand coming up behind her, catching babies as she has them.

Draktand: And that makes three thousand five hundred and eighty eight. My my, look at them all! And each one as cute as the last.
Cocoa: Rarwr, grawr hraw.

Thousands of baby zards come into view. Each of them has wavy red hair.

Xusha: Oh.
Thoru My.
Sepulchure00: Gosh.
Shadow: I am NOT changing that many diapers. Having to change Vamp's diaper is bad enough. I don't need to change the diapers of three thousand five hundred and eighty eight little Vamps.
Draktand: Better make that three thousand five hundred and eighty nine.
Shadow: I don't need to change the diapers of three thousand five hundred and eighty nine little Vamps.
Wixmagic: I don't think you'll have to, Shadow.
Shadow: Why's that?
Wixmagic: Because I think we're about to die.
Flaw of Insanity: It's been a real pleasure serving with you boys.

The zard army charges. From the top of a nearby hill, a horn sounds. Everyone looks up to regard Ryzaa upon a stuffed zard.

Ryzaa: SOLDIERS OF TR, NOW IS THE TIME.

Thousands of soldiers come into view on the hill. There are also jeeps, tanks and helicopters.

Ryzaa: CHARGE.
Flaw of Insanity: TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE.
Xusha: FOR THE MOTHERLAND.
Artix: BATTLE ON!
Peregrine: When did Artix get here?
Cial: TO LINES AND LEVITY.
Vamparagon: IN THE GLORY OF EMPEROR VAMPARAGON.
Icewolfking: CCCCCHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN''''''''''.

The battle for TR Castle begins.

To be continued...

by Peregrine on Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:37 am

What is left of the Gentlemen of Lore and the rebel TR security forces falter before the charge of TR's army of fanatical soldiers. Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial, Xusha, Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Wixmagic, Thoru, Shadz, Artix, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier quickly find themselves surrounded by their newfound allies. One of the soldiers, Darre, grabs Alderos's dead body by the shoulders and starts to shake it.

Darre: YOU DON'T DIE UNTIL I SAY TO.
Alderos: SIR! YES SIR!
Satus: YOU HEARD THE MAN. JUMP TO!
Tokijin: FORWARD MEN. IT'S TIME FOR WAR.

The soldiers engage the Gentlemen of Lore and the rebel TR security forces. The Gentlemen are all but obliterated. The security forces last slightly longer, but end up getting slaughtered as well.

Veonyx: STRIKE TRUE AND STRIKE WITH PRECISION.
SirValor: FOR EMPEROR, AND IMPERIUM.

The zard army begins to rush towards TR's military forces.

Felix: ZARDS? THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING.
Zeo: CHARGE TO MAKE THE EMPEROR PROUD.
Evangel: FIGHT, AND THE EMPEROR FIGHTS WITH YOU.
Darre: GLORY TO THE FIRST MAN TO DIE.

While TR's soldiers are making their charge, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier edge their way around to the corner of TR Castle's structure to flank the zards from the right. Nearby, Walt is lying down.

Walt: They broke my back.
Flaw of Insanity: Bah. They'll pay for that humiliation.

The soldiers hit the zards head on. Both sides take heavy causalities in the first waves.

Ryzaa (radio): Colonel DracoWolf117, this is General Ryzaa. You had a gift for me?
DracoWolf117 (radio): Wrapped in ribbons sir. We're ready to deploy.

From above them, those on the ground could make out the outline of paratroopers descending from the sky and onto the roof of TR castle.

Arch Fiend: Oh to walk upon the blood stained ground.
Judge ZYellowFlash: TO THE LAST MAN AND THE LAST ROUND.
SecretSchenkel: For every one of us who falls, TEN MORE WILL TAKE HIS PLACE.
Lord Starscream: ONLY IN DEATH DOES DUTY END.

From behind the zard army, the paratroopers make their move. The zards are now enclosed in a triangle formed by TR soldiers, TR paratroopers and Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier.

Gustav the mage: TAKE THE OBJECTIVE. TAKE IT AT ALL COSTS.
ShadowReaper007: STOP BLEEDING AND FIGHT BACK.
Eonaleth: GLORY FOR THE EMPEROR.

The zard army is wiped out completely. Cocoa makes a break for it and is able to jump over the paratroopers and back into the castle.

Darre: We've done it sir. By the emperor, we've won.
Ryzaa: Although the golden throne of terror sits in a conference room far from here, Vamparagon's hand is on your shoulders today. You have fought and displayed bravery and loyalty far and above your calling as TR soldiers. You have faced the full brunt of a zard army, as well as stared down the horrors of the corruption in the fallen TR guardsmen, and in that, I am honoured to have led you.
Flaw of Insanity: *sniff*
Peregrine: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.
Icewolfking: All I know is that these guys have got to chill out.

Vamparagon rushes into TR Castle after Cocoa.

Ryzaa: You've got to be kidding me. Move in people.

The soldiers rush after Vamparagon.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon arrives in the room with the weapon that Cocoa was planning to use to turn them all into frogzards. Dake is still in there from having stopped it from firing.

Vamparagon: Dake, I need you to recalibrate that machine so that it sends anyone with my or Cocoa's genes into an alternate dimension.
Dake: Sure, no problem. Just let me set it to video 2.
Vamparagon: That's all you needed to do?
Dake: Yeah, I programmed it in as an alternate setting just in case.

Suddenly, Erik bursts into the room.

Erik: YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME VAMP. NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM YOU.
Vamparagon: Dake, there's no time to lose. Fire it up.

Erik draws a knife and jumps at Vamparagon, who dances out of the way. Vamparagon reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a red and white Poké Ball.

Vamparagon: LEAFEON, I CHOOSE YOU.

A distinctly fabulous leafeon materializes in the room.

Vamparagon: USE LEAF BLADE ON ERIK.

Erik is completely knocked out by the attack and is sent hurtling through a wall.

Vamparagon: Dake, status.
Dake: We have lift-off.

It is in that moment that Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and the soldiers rush into the room.

Ryzaa: Vamp, what are you about to do?
Vamparagon: I'm about to sacrifice myself for the greater good of humanity.

There is a moment of silence.

Ryzaa: No, seriously.

One of the soldiers takes off his helmet in respect.

Tokijin: Truly, he was the greatest of all the emperors.

The rest of the soldiers and Flaw of Insanity follow suit.

Flaw of Insanity: It was an honour to serve with you, sir.

SirValor begins to cry.

SirValor: Glory to the imperium of TR. I'll remember your name forever, Emperor Vamparagon.
Ryzaa: Vamp, I ask again, what are you about to do?
Vamparagon: I told Dake to set this machine to send anyone with my genes or Cocoa's genes into an alternate dimension. This way all Cocoa's babies will be sucked up too.
Ryzaa: Why couldn't you have just set it to absorb people with Cocoa's genes so you didn't get absorbed as well?
Vamparagon: Huh.

*silence*

Vamparagon: I guess I never thought of doing that.

The machine turns on. From the barrel of the gun that is sticking out of the ceiling, a large white orb forms. Baby zards with wavy red hair begin to get sucked into the orb. A snarling Cocoa follows suit. With each new victim, the orb grows bigger and its power grows stronger. From below, Vamparagon hangs onto the barrel of the tank that is on the ground for dear life.

Vamparagon: HELP.
Ryzaa: Sorry Vamp, but I didn't appreciate you taking money out of my pay check for a date with Cocoa.
Vamparagon: DAKE, SHUT IT OFF.
Dake: Can't. I used up all my overrides for today.
Vamparagon: FLAW, GRAB ONTO ME.
Flaw of Insanity: I don't want to ruin the moment.
Vamparagon: I HATE YOU GUYS.

Vamparagon flies up into the air and begins hurtling towards the orb.

Vamparagon: AT LEAST TELL PEREGRINE I HATE HIM.
Ryzaa: I can do that.

Vamparagon's leafeon sees its trainer in distress and jumps through the air towards him. Vamparagon grabs it in his arms and holds it tightly.

Vamparagon: At least I had one good friend, old buddy.

Vamparagon is absorbed by the orb of white light. The orb then dissipates into air.

An hour later, Ryzaa had gathered everyone in the cafeteria. The upturned tables had been righted to seat people in. The wall that once faced the outside world had been utterly obliterated by a ballista bolt during the initial siege. In the cafeteria, was what was left of TR. There was Peregrine, Chamberino, Xusha, Mrsebi, Sticky, Cial, Crystal Lion, Shadow, Nagi, wwwtoy, Dake, Icewolfking, Charon, Sepulchure00, Weena, Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2, Wixmagic, Thoru, Winnie, Shadz, LightningZStar, Juliana, Robaldo, Alderos, Kaotic, Draktand, Hunter Reckoning and Sparda. Around the cafeteria, a ring had been formed by two dozen of the surviving soldiers. A stage had been formed with several tables, upon which Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and Ragegamer stood. Erik and Katherine were both missing. Also attending were Alligator Gondolier, Sewage Cleanup Guy, Phoebus and Artix.

Winnie: Where's Vamp? Why isn't he here?
Cial: On that note, where's Katherine?
Xusha: Oh, I didn't bother to go back for Katherine when I made my escape.
Hunter Reckoning: I see.
Sewage Cleanup Guy: So, who here wants to help me gather sewage crystals?
Robaldo: Man, you stink.
Shadow: Hey man, at least he cleans things around here.
Artix: Why am I even here?
Ryzaa: People. Your attentions, please.

The cafeteria is silenced.

Ryzaa: I have a grave announcement to make. Earlier today, Vamparagon gave his life for the benefit of TR.

The silence is broken by laughter.

Ryzaa: Stop that. I'm serious.

The silence resumes.

Ryzaa: As such, we are going to need a new emperor.

The silence continues.

Ragegamer: Basically, we're going to hold a vote to se-
Ryzaa: Dibs.
Ragegamer: Wait, what? Dibs? Is that seriously how new emperors are selected?
Ryzaa: Well, that's how Vamp got the job.

*flashback*

It was back in the days when Bert was the emperor of TR. I was in a generic conference room as a security guard, along with Pooks, the head of security at the time. Bert was talking to the board of directors.

Bert: So as we can see here, profits are way do-

That's when it happened. Bert clutched his heart and fell down. Pooks ran over to him and checked his heart.

Pooks: My God... He's gone.

No one knew what to say. That's when suddenly the door to the conference room opened up and the newest member of the board of directors stepped in.

Vamparagon: HAI GUIZE SORRY I'M LATE.

Everyone shook their heads at the new guy's newbie-ness and looked on sadly at Bert's dead body.

Vamparagon: Hey, does anyone else hear that sound?

Vamparagon walked over to a section in the wall and tore a piece of it off. Behind the wall was Mash, who had a plate of food on his lap.

Vamparagon: Mash? What are you doing here?
Mash: Eating mashed potatoes.

Vamparagon walked over to a seat and plunked himself down in it.

Vamparagon: So, what's going on guys?
Zedman: Bert just had a heart attack.
Vamparagon: Is he okay?
Pyronix: He's dead, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Oh.

There was a moment of silence.

Vamparagon: Dibs.

The board of directors was outraged.

DemidragonX: You can't call dibs, man.
Rohan: Yeah, you're the new guy.
Vamparagon: You guys must not have gotten the memo, but uhhh.

Vamparagon leaned forward and whispered to the board of directors.

Vamparagon: I'm the boss.
Nammie: Oh for pete's sake, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Pooks, take Kaotic to the dungeon immediately for murdering Bert.
Kaotic: WHAT.

Pooks grabbed Kaotic roughly and dragged him down to a cell in the dungeons.

Kaotic: I DIDN'T EVEN GET ANY LIIIINES.

The door slammed shut behind them.

Vamparagon: Now then, if you'll excuse me everyone. I have a lunch break to get to.

Vamparagon left the room. Later that day, Pooks entered Vamparagon's office. I, who was standing guard at the time, overheard everything.

Pooks: Vamp, I'm resigning my post as head of security.
Vamparagon: Okay.
Pooks: My personal recommendation is that Kittens be my replacement.
Vamparagon: Alright then.
Pooks: Oh, and be sure to let Kaotic out of the dungeons.
Vamparagon: Cool. Bye.

Pooks left the office and walked away. Vamparagon met with Ryzaa in the hallway to discuss his promotion.

Vamparagon: Congratulations, you're the new head of security.
Ryzaa: Oh. Thanks.
Vamparagon: Oh, and be sure to tell Kittens they're fired.
Ryzaa: ...Why?
Vamparagon: Also, make sure Kaotic isn't let out of the dungeons. Or fed.
Ryzaa: Erm...
Vamparagon: Anyway, I'm off to lunch. Cya.
Ryzaa: Didn't you just get back from lunch?
Vamparagon: No?
Ryzaa: Oh. Sorry sir. I thought you did.
Vamparagon: Anyway, my magikarp and I have some lunch to do. Good luck!

*/flashback*

Kaotic: Oh, so THAT'S why Pooks never came back for me.
Ryzaa: Yeah, no hard feelings right?
Flaw of Insanity: Dibs on head of security.
Ragegamer: Wait, what? I thought you could only call dibs on emperor?
Security Officer #2: Dibs on Flaw's old second in command position.
Weena: Dibs on Flaw's old second in command position.
Security Officer #2: Hah!
Weena: FFFFFFFFFF.
Cial: Dibs on Vamp's iPhone.
Ragegamer: Oh yeah? Well dibs on second in command of TR.
Phoebus: Dibs on any ketchup packets y'all done gone thrown out.
Peregrine: Dibs on Vamp's vacation time.
Mrsebi: I also have an announcement to make.

Mrsebi gets up on the stage.

Mrsebi: In the past five months of my working at TR, I have been mistreated horribly.
Flaw of Insanity: Wasn't me.
Mrsebi: As such, I am quitting TR.

*gasp*

Mrsebi: It wasn't even my fault there was a crayon up my nose. It was Vamp's.

*flashback*

Vamp and I were at Steak and Stein. Vamp was just finishing up his colouring sheet, but he had yet to colour the sun on it.

Vamparagon: Darn it Sebi, we're out of time.
Mrsebi: Just finish your colouring sheet.
Vamparagon: Sebi, I need to smuggle this purple crayon back to the castle so I can use it there.
Mrsebi: But you can finish it here, and you can use a different purple when you-NJGHUEGG

Vamp jammed the purple crayon up my nose. The waitress came and asked us if we were done

Vamparagon: Oh yeah. We're done. And we're not smuggling the purple crayon out.
Waitress: You can just have those crayons, dear.
Vamparagon: Awesome! Thank you. :D
Mrsebi: I CAN'T FIND MY TAIL.
Waitress: Is your friend okay?
Vamparagon: Him? Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just a little crazy.
Mrsebi: THEY CALL ME CAPTAIN ORANGE JUICE.

Vamp escorted me back to TR where we met up with Peregrine.

Peregrine: Hey guys.
Mrsebi: HEY GIANT TALKING ERASER HEAD DUDE.
Peregrine: What's the matter with him?
Vamparagon: I didn't finish colouring the sun on my colouring sheet, so I jammed a purple crayon up his nose so I could finish it now.
Peregrine: I see.

There was a moment of silence.

Peregrine: Aren't you going to take the crayon out?
Vamparagon: Pere, don't be an idiot. Suns aren't purple.

*/flashback*

Chamberino: While we're having flashbacks, Cial, why don't you tell us the story of why you get written out of the show so much?
Cial: Well, funny you should ask that.

*flashback*

It was my first day at TR. I was halfway through my interview with
Vamparagon. He was just looking at my file now.

Vamparagon: So your name is "Can I Abdicate Lines"?
SpecialX: No sir Mr. Paragon, it's SpecialX.
Vamparagon: So your name IS "Can I Abdicate Lines".

There was a moment of silence between the two of us.

SpecialX: Uhhh...
Vamparagon: I'm just going to shorten that down to Cial, okay?
SpecialX: But my name is-
Vamparagon: Wonderful! By the way, you can abdicate lines. Thanks for asking.
Cial: Wha-

Vamparagon hit a button on his desk and I found myself falling through a trapdoor before I could respond.

*/flashback*

Sticky: All these flashbacks almost make me miss Vamp.
Wixmagic: Yeah.
Peregrine: Almost.
Shadow: I for one do not miss Vamp.
Sparda: The only reason I was even allowed in was because Vamp is dead.

TR stayed inside trading flashbacks until dawn began to break. Once dawn broke, everyone headed outside and stood upon the hills overlooking TR Castle where Ryzaa had made his stand. The damage to the castle was extensive. Gaping holes littered the once proud stonewall. The dead from the battle littered the grounds, along with broken vehicles. Some of the wreckage and debris had floated into the lake that surrounded TR Castle, and was now drifting around in the basin.

Ryzaa: I don't know if we should rebuild this.

Everyone looks at Ryzaa quizzically.

Ryzaa: Maybe this is a new start for TR. Let's build a new headquarters. A huge tower.
Peregrine: Why stop there? We can build a whole city around it.
Dake: A city of gears.
Chamberino: TR City. I like it.
Cial: Can I have some lines?
Ryzaa: Yes Cial, you can have some lines.
Cial: Then let's roll.

As if knowing the intentions of the TR crew, the castle gave a final shudder before utterly collapsing. A huge shockwave of dust was sent out as the castle fell apart. The TR crew gave the ruins one final look, before they all put on sunglasses and calmly walked off in the direction of the rising sun, to begin anew.

In the wreckage, a single flower blossomed. A testament to TR's unfading resolve to never surrender.

Ryzaa: By the way Pere, Vamp wanted you to know he hated you.
Peregrine: :(

"I was only the servant of my country and had I, at any moment, failed to express her unflinching resolve to fight and conquer, I should at once have been rightly cast aside. "

The end.

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

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