The TR Tabloid

by Peregrine on Sat Feb 12, 2011 7:36 am

February 11^th, 2011 Issue
Authors: Peregrine and Flaw of Insanity
Special mention to Wixmagic for turning our attention to the matter of article #2!

TRUE MOTIVES BEHIND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE THREADS UNCOVERED
ENTIRE THING ACTUALLY A CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY

After months of extensive research, gang members have finally come forward with confessions in exchange for fresh starts in Alaska. Thanks to this new turn of events, detectives have finally uncovered the truth about a recent influx in relationship advice threads: that it is a massive scale conspiracy from local criminal gangs.

The conspiracy in question involved members of the gangs asking for relationship advice with members of other gangs, and then after having lured in an unsuspecting helper, having duck mercenaries sneak up behind them and steal their wallets. While it was highly unsuccessful, detectives put the case as the highest priority, even above the genetically engineered kitten ring.

"It's absolutely disgusting what ducks will go to these days for a few bucks," says local resident in an area one of the gangs, the eighth street whiskers, operates. "Next thing you know we'll have duck hackers committing credit fraud and then where will we be."

In a TR Tabloid special, we were able to find a duck mercenary involved in the conspiracy available for question. Here is its uncensored opinion on duck poverty:

"Quack quack."

VAMPARAGON SUED BY PETA
ALLEGATIONS OF ANIMAL ABUSE ABOUNDS

In a surprise move by PETA, an organization known not to be taken seriously, Vamparagon, emperor of TR, has been sued for allegations of animal abuse.

"It's not enough to love your fish," says PETA spokeswoman. "You also have to feed them."

According to a statement issued by law officials, a routine raid on Vamparagon's house for drugs turned up disgusting results, when an officer involved in the search stopped playing on the wii to look for the bathroom and found a tank of dead fish.

"They look like fish from Taiwan," says the officer, still beaming proudly for having the high score in bowling. "We did a DNA trace or something snazzy like that and discovered the tank was the property of Vamparagon, as if that wasn't evident from the fact it was in his house."

"This is an outrage," says Vamparagon. "My fish aren't dead, just resting. They do it all the time."

Vamparagon's hearing is scheduled for this Monday, after having been postponed twice due to "emergency" lunch breaks.

SCANDAL ENSUES AFTER LOCAL APPLE TREE CHOPPED DOWN
NO KNOWN SURVIVORS

A blood feud was declared yesterday after a local apple tree near a TR holding named Fort Narwhal was cut to the ground by a lumberjack, not for lumber, but for a resource the lumberjack referred to as "LP". LP has been known to cause a IQ boost, in some cases granting the a skill of choice without practice or skill.

"I need to cut down lots of trees so I can learn how to grow some really good beetroot," the lumberjack issued as a statement when questioned about the morality of his actions. "It's the only way."

"It's just plain sick," said farmer Bill Williams, outraged about the loss of his apple tree. "I was just about to expand my claim towards it too. I wanted those apples dagnabbit."

"Now I have to walk like eight or nine tiles farther if I want some apples," elaborates some dumb farmer, "That's like, eight or nine tiles extra a month."

A debate on what to do was held in the town hall, but things turned sour quickly and instead of solving the problem a blood feud was declared. A couple of hours after the feud was started, the settlement was abandoned, the only thing left was the corpses of those who fell.

In other news, a local merchant reports an increase in profits from coffin sales. For more on that, turn to page 2.

HALP
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