Discussion on the Other Side of Insanity

So I've decided to take a stab at writing within that crazy script-style and storyline thing. My version pays a lot more attention to my otherwise-minor character. Understand that I wrote the actual story while awake, but waited to write this discuss post until half past one in the morning after wanting to post the thing kept me awake. Nearly all of the jargon the characters trade while acting smart is real with the exception of one word; see if you can find it. Please tell me what you think. The story can be found here.