Re: You just can't make this stuff up

by DigDog on Wed Jun 27, 2012 12:42 pm

I wish I was imaginative like that but all I am able to is copypaste.

by V on Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:59 am

by DigDog on Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:26 am

by DigDog on Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:54 am

Man Charged with Felony Assault with a Dangerous Weapon for Throwing McDonald’s French Fries in Stepdaughter’s Face

Police arrested a Massachusetts man for allegedly assaulting his stepdaughter with a dangerous weapon. His weapon of choice? A batch of McDonald's French fries.

According to a Lowell Police Department report, 26-year-old James Hackett, his wife, and his wife's 11-year-old daughter had just picked up their drive-thru order when the two adults began fighting over money.

When the little girl attempted to interject and put an end to their argument, Hackett allegedly threw a container of French fires in her face. Police note that, while the girl did not suffer injuries, "the heat of the oil could cause burning to skin and eyes."

Hackett has since made a court appearance, during which he pleaded not guilty to the charges. Hackett will be back in court August 10th for a pretrail conference. In the meantime, he has been ordered to keep away from his stepdaughter.

by DigDog on Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:01 am

Man in Stand-Off with Police Demands to Marry Paris Hilton

A SWAT team called to extract a disorderly man who had barricaded himself inside a hotel room in Belmont, North Carolina, was met with some unusual demands.

61-year-old Fredrick Denney threatened to open fire on officers if he wasn't promptly supplied with a pizza. Additionally, he told negotiators he wanted to marry Paris Hilton.

The entire second floor of the Hampton Inn was shut down as authorities attempted to talk Denney out of the room for several hours, but to no avail. He was ultimately pepper sprayed and arrested.

Police records show Denney, who is originally from Oregon, has clashed with SWAT teams across multiple states.

He was formally charged with being "intoxicated and disorderly" and is currently undergoing a psychological evaluation.

by Leb on Wed Jul 18, 2012 5:05 pm

Here's a nice link for those who are unaware of just what people who work with computers have to deal with.

http://thedailywtf.com/

There's stories of woe from coding to unsavvy people working with computers and of course the usual customer complaint stories. And some horror stories revolving around creating whole new computer hierarchy systems or whatever you want to call 'em.

Here's one that made me mutter "Oh my goooood." just now.

As the net admin for a small municipality, I don't get to do front-line support much anymore, but a few years ago, I fielded one that was rather bizarre. A user called complaining about distortion on her CRT... it looked all... "melted". Their office was just down the hall so I went over and sure enough, the display was badly mangled. Degaussing didn't help. Then I noticed a foot-long fluorescent light affixed to the bottom of the metal shelf above the monitor.

"Has that always been there?" I asked her. "Yes, she replied, but I just moved the computer here, it used to be over there..."

Do fluorescent light ballasts create much magnetic interference? I wasn't sure. Then I noticed the top of the shelf didn't have any bolts or screws through it. How was that light affixed? I gave it a tug. Then a firmer one. With a grunt, I managed to finally pull it free from the shelf-bottom... to find its base was a foot long industrial magnet.

by DigDog on Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:05 pm

Woman Accidentally Bakes Family’s Entire Life Savings After Husband Hides It in the Oven

A woman in Sydney who was preparing food for her two daughters unwittingly destroyed $15,000 worth of Australian dollars her husband had placed in the oven for safekeeping.

After selling his Toyota Supra, the man hid his profits in the oven expecting it would be safe from harm since his wife seldom baked. Unfortunately, his plan backfired when his wife decided to heat up some chicken nuggets for their kids, and all the plastic money promptly melted.

"It was everything I had," the unidentified husband told ninemsn. "I've got nothing to my name. That money was supposed to go towards my mortgage."

He attempted to convince the bank to accept the cash as-is, but was turned away. "I was quite insulted. I asked her to send it to the [Reserve Bank of Australia], I told her 'please it's all I got' but she didn't want to," he said.

But all is not lost: After a phone call from ninemsn, the bank had a sudden change of heart and issued an apology, saying it will do whatever it can "within the guidelines" to help recover as much money as possible.

by **Erik** on Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:27 am

I'll link you to an article later since I have to go right now, but Chick-Fil-A just commented that they are indeed "Anti-gay".

Discuss.

by DigDog on Thu Aug 02, 2012 9:08 am

Looks like nobody is interested.

On to more hilarious news.

THIS JUST IN:

Man Says Penis Robbers Made Away with His Member

The resident of a small village near the eastern Chinese city of Wenling claims he was asleep in bed when a posse of robbers broke into his home and stole his penis.

"They put something over my head and pulled down my trousers and then they ran off," 41-year-old Fei Lin is quoted as saying. "I was so shocked I didn't feel a thing-then I saw I was bleeding and my penis was gone."

Though police have no suspects currently in custody, their working theory is that the man was assaulted by a group of cuckolded men who suspected the villager was having an affair with their wives.

A search for the missing member came up empty; police believe it is still in the hands of the assailants.

by V on Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:04 am

>Wenling

lol

Seriously though, that's why you always sleep with a pillow under your knife.

by DigDog on Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:08 am

I sleep with a gun under my knife.

by Tim Hortans on Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:55 am

woudlnt that be uncomfortable

by Leb on Fri Aug 03, 2012 11:01 am

My gun IS a knife.

In other news, hilarity.

Until recently, my fortress had been a happy, bright town of happiness and rainbows. There was usually plenty of booze, construction continued day and night for the well being of the fortress, and not a single dwarf was below Very Happy in mood. Everything was going according to plan.

Then the goblins showed up in an ambush. I wasn't quite prepared, and the goblins managed to kill one or two dwarves before a timely dwarven caravan saved me from inside the depot. The Goblins were vanquished.

Unfortunately, their reign of terror took a toll on one member of my fort, a young dwarfette who happened to be pregnant. After seeing her friend, one of the poor military dwarves who died, die, she was unhappy enough to have a miscarrage. It was very sad.

What was even sadder, and significantly more horrific, is what happened next. Miss Dwarfette, hereforth referred to as Casey McAnthony, was nursing another baby, a five-month old dwarfette named Litast, and only child after the miscarrage. And she was taken by a fell mood.

CASEY MCANTHONY LOOSES A LAUGH, FELL AND TERRIBLE!

Commence me being... just confused. I didn't realize at this point she was carrying a baby. I didn't realize she would go for the nearest member of the fort. In fact, I was afraid she would go after someone useful, like my miner casually passing by on his way to the dining hall.

All of the sudden, she was working on the artifact. I looked in the workshop and saw Litast's name. I didn't know who that was (I don't keep tabs on individuals) so I decided to check who it was. Maybe I got lucky and she murderificated a vampire before it could do harm. Those kind of events were commonplace in fortresses of mine (I'm incredibly lucky).

NOPE. IT WAS HER [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] FIVE MONTH OLD DAUGHTER.

SHE KILLED HER DAUGHTER AND TURNED HER INTO A PICK. A GODDAMN PICK. WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET ENOUGH BABY FOR A PICKAXE? THERE ISN'T ENOUGH BABY.

Dear Urist, Please don't build your physics defying artifacts out of your children. It's wrong.

And as if that wasn't terrible enough, she named the Artifact "The Suffering of Genius".

What the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] lady!?

No seriously, The woman not only murdered her own daughter, but named the artifact in such a way that it could only be interpreted in two ways: She's heartless and only sees her babies death as her own suffering for her "genius", or belives her baby was so damn smart that she couldn't "suffer" anymore and had to be made into the one tool most likely to get dropped into magma.

Does this kind of [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] happen with every fell mood?!

by Mrsebi on Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:20 am

It's my birthday today.

by Leb on Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:48 am

A recently restored section of the Great Wall of China has collapsed, prompting much soul-searching as to how modern Chinese construction techniques could not keep standing for 2 decades what had previously stood for centuries.

The collapse occurred on 36m section of the Great Wall running through Hebei province suddenly one morning, shaking the adjacent town.

The section in question reportedly underwent major restoration work in 1995, and upon its completion in 1996 it was hailed as “returning the wall to its traditional splendour.”

Local authorities have acknowledged it was the restored section which fell down, blaming heavy rains for weakening its foundations and causing structural weaknesses.

However, with the adjoining unrestored sections completely intact even after centuries, a certain amount of scepticism has attached to the quality of both their workmanship and ongoing oversight.